Sunday, June 13, 2010

My Janky Spirituality

***************Lord please guide my hands as I write this entry, Amen*********************
I haven't been to church in years before today. The only reason I went was because it was a part of the itinerary for my sorority's weekend retreat---I was even a little hesitant about it then. And it's not because I'm a total heathen, it's just something about being in that setting that bothers me. For most of the time there, this morning, I couldn't concentrate on anything but how uncomfortable I was. It kind of hindered me from really learning anything. I almost forgot how to act in church, I barely wore the right thing! When do I stand up? Do I have to stand each time the pastor says? Do I have to clap? If I don't know the song, will this look bad? Don't get me wrong... I love God, I have a personal relationship with him and I feel like that's enough. I pray to Him everyday, I know he's the reason I'm where I am: my life's good overall and I know it's not because of me. I believe all the stories in the bible and plan to teach them to Jr.; I even plan to raise Jr. in the church like I was....so I guess I should get myself in check, huh? After studying the psyche in undergrad, I feel like I need to find the root of the problem I have and try to fix it. In keeping with the Freudian theory, I suppose it was some sort of traumatic event that kind of turned me off.
My brother and I grew up as the youth pastor's kids. You could find us at Vacation Bible School each summer. During the year we would be at Sunday school, bible study during the week, and church productions. And now that I'm thinking of it, it may have been my parent's separation that threw me. My mother is great and did her best as a single mom, in fact, both of my parents did a fair job of keeping normalcy for me and my brother. I think this may be the first time I'm admitting that I was probably mad at God for not keeping my family together(although, I'm older and understand why we are not now). It's a common case of how a broken home affects the kid--no real need to probe that issue. But when it was just me, Mommy, and my brother it was like I suddenly had an option: I didn't have to go to church each week. And I did most of the time, but eventually I just went for Christmas; then it was just for Good Friday; now I don't even go to church for Easter. I used to feel bad about it and it's even worse that I've come to live with it!
I don't want to raise my child in a home that isn't anointed with the Holy Spirit or blessed and highly favored and all that. I plan on making things right, but I feel like it would be so....what's the word? Forced? No...I mean, it would be totally sincere; I want Jr. to love God and know why they're here. But, I always thought I would do that when I was married and THEN had a kid. So, me and my nuclear family would stroll to church every Sunday to pay our tithes and be fed the Good Word. Am I going to continually blessed even though I'm planning to "live in sin" by September? Or will I be smiled upon because I'm trying to have a good family structure for my child? When I do start to go to church, will I feel guilty when the pastor preaches about the "right way to live". These are all true concerns of mine and I think instead of dealing with it, I just don't go to fellowship like we are taught to do. I would rather live without being judged for drinking (when I could) or cursing like a sailor or spending my offering money on a new weave...And I realize as I write this, I need to rebuke the devil for planting these excuses in me. I learned today at church that I need to empty myself of these cop-outs so I can be filled with the what God has to offer me. With the peace he can give me, maybe I won't be so stressed about my job, I could take complete joy in the miracle growing inside me instead of worrying about money and how I can afford it. I could have a positive outlook on my life, period. I worry so much about things and have no patience when it comes to a lot of instances. I'm sure if I give it to Him like I should, that would go away. But I'm only human and don't see this happening anytime soon. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I plan to get a hold on my janky spirituality, lol...I just have to take it one day at a time--for me and my baby.
Peace and Blessings....This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!

1 comment:

  1. This was great, Christian! I love reading your blog!

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