Thursday, October 28, 2010

Can Really We Fix It?

I talked to my dad today. I was on my way home from work and something in my gut kept telling me to go ahead and make the phone call. Now, I'm a prideful person. I think this is what stopped me from calling a long time ago; well, that and the fact that every time I thought of the situation I got too pissed to even want to hear the man's voice! I also hesitated because I wondered if he would pick up the phone first. A large part of me thought he should. (If this is your first time tuning in to my blog, you may want to go back to the "Family Tree" entry; it's a precedent to this one). Anyway, I learned so much as I started to get back into church. I realized the "feeling in my gut" was just the Holy Spirit telling me to do the right thing. This spiritual conscience invaded my dreams several nights recently, causing me to lose sleep. That's how I knew I had to call. So, I dialed the number from my celly and started the initial conversation of our mending our relationship.
I won't really go into detail, mostly because I'm still trying to process it myself. But know this: it was a good talk. I was able to apologize for the way things were said on my part, but got to maintain my position. I got to explain some things that were on my heart. He did the same. Surprisingly, there were no raised voices. I'm proud of myself for not letting my emotions take me to a point where I couldn't convey my thoughts. Yelling gets you nowhere, matter how absolutely wonderful and fulfilling it may feel. We scratched the surface of a few issues that we face and decided to work on things on a pace I'm comfortable with. We admitted there were things said in the past that were hurtful on both sides. And up until today, I've always felt like the victim when the disagreement escalated. At least now I'm willing to see his side. I still feel the same way about most of the things and still feel like most of it was messed up. I'm just glad we're to a place where we can try to talk about it. That's all he's asked for apparently. We missed each other and hope to make things work. Without getting sappy, my lovely readers, I'll just say that I'm hoping for the best. No promises, I'm still vulnerable. I still have questions....
I got to tell him about Karter. Yes, he knew I was pregnant...he just hadn't heard it from me until today. That's another things that seemed to bother him. Now, I'm not hateful. I just didn't feel like we were on that level in our relationship anymore. Didn't think he cared. He cleared that up, though. Of course, he thought that was messed up. I still can't say I'm sorry for that. Look at the circumstances! If he didn't want to be a part of my life, I was OK with letting him stay out of it. I only assumed he wanted no part of my business because he never called! Now, he knows without a shadow of a doubt that he's going to be a grandfather. He told me congratulations and everything, but everyone says that lol. I wonder if he's excited. I wonder what his thoughts were when he knew his little girl was having her own child. I mean, was it crazy to get confirmation that I was having sex? Because if he didn't know/care/wouldn't accept it then, the baby in my belly is confirmation enough. haha. I really wish this could have gone down a different way. I really do love the guy, missed him too. But I don't want to have Karter involved in a dysfunctional family feud. As much as I want my son to know my dad, I'll be damned if he'll be exposed to a "sometimey" grandad because me and him can't get our crap together! You know, I've always asked myself why God gave us this wonderful miracle. Maybe He felt it was time for me and Daddy to fix things. Look at epiphany on the spot. My son's already served a wonderful purpose:)
Stay Tuned,
This is Flyy Preggo OUT!!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

In the homestretch...

I had an appointment today. It was my first one without Tony; he had to go to work:( It sucked because I had to get a shot my butt cheek. I forget what it's called, but it's to protect Karter and me as our blood mixes. Since I'm a negative blood type, I had to get it to make sure we're least that's how I understood it. I got to ask a lot of questions today. I had a lot of the things figured out since our last visit. I found a pediatrician, decided who will carry Karter on their insurance, and even got a brand new crib on the way from Tony's mom! So, I feel like I have a lot of things under control. But the truth is I'm deathly afraid...
Remember I told you I'm a planner to the core? I knew there would be a day when I realized that preparation just wouldn't be good enough. Giving birth is the most unpredictable event in life. I think that's the first thing that mortifies me. I don't know where I'm going to be or how it's going to feel when it all goes down. It's like waiting for Jesus to come back, man! What if I'm driving alone someplace and I'm hit with a contraction? Even worse, what if I'm at work and my water breaks? Now, recall that I work about and hour away from home. I plan to work until I can't anymore---only becuase of this acquisition I just underwent at work. The coverage sucks and there's no maternity leave. So needless to say, my plan is to work as close to the due date as possible so I can maximize my time least I'm entitled to FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). Anyway, I'm thinking of other things like going to the bathroom and not even knowing the water broke and then getting up and seeing Karter swimming in the toilet! It's crazy, I know...I'm exaggerating. But the surprise of labor is the biggest issue I have with this whole thing. I tried to get an idea of what the contraction will feel like, but my doctor couldn't really explain. Maybe she didn't want to get into it because these things vary per woman. Maybe she didn't want to scare me. It's too late, though. I've heard horror stories more frequently lately. I think I have a sign on me that says: "PLEASE SHARE YOUR CHILDBIRTH EXPERIENCE WITH ME"; it must be invisible because I don't see this on my forehead when I look in the mirror every morning. Crazy...I mean, I don't care that you were ripped front to back and had to get staples because your baby was 13 pounds at birth. I don't care to hear that you were in labor for 3 days and THEN your doctor decided to give you a C-Section. I kid you not, guys. People love to talk to me about this stuff. I just grimace and listen to as much as I can. When the stories are done, they always end with "But he will be the best thing that ever happened to you". All I can think about it the unforgettable image they just gave me. I was also telling my doctor today that I don't have a clue how to deliver a kid; she just told me that most women don't their first time around. But I really meant that I'm nervous because I don't think I'll have time for a childbirthing class. I want to take one,'s all a part of "the plan". I hope to get into one, at least so it can ease my anxiety!
On top of it all, I'm getting tired of being pregnant. I love my son, but it's getting harder. I think I mentioned that I have been hit with the common ailments we pregnant women deal with. It seems like all mine came at the last minute. It's not fair! I can't eat like I want because all of my food stays in my chest...all due to my stomach shrinking. I have to shift positions several times a day to get comfortable, whether I'm sitting or sleeping or standing. I had the WORST charlie horse in my leg the other night and the leg cramps are becoming more frequent. tells me I'm in the homestretch, being 30 weeks. I hope this time flies because my boobs are heavy too. I've always wanted them to be larger, lol...but I'm not into this anymore. It's not like I can go wear a sexy tee to show them off, right? Karter's so active, and I love it. Even though sometimes it hurts, at least by now I've figured out his cycle. And by him abusing my ribs, at least I know he's ok. I'm counting the days, guys...he'll be here soon and when he is I can go back to being normal again. I think I'll be able to bounce back, don't you? lol