Thursday, October 28, 2010

Can Really We Fix It?

I talked to my dad today. I was on my way home from work and something in my gut kept telling me to go ahead and make the phone call. Now, I'm a prideful person. I think this is what stopped me from calling a long time ago; well, that and the fact that every time I thought of the situation I got too pissed to even want to hear the man's voice! I also hesitated because I wondered if he would pick up the phone first. A large part of me thought he should. (If this is your first time tuning in to my blog, you may want to go back to the "Family Tree" entry; it's a precedent to this one). Anyway, I learned so much as I started to get back into church. I realized the "feeling in my gut" was just the Holy Spirit telling me to do the right thing. This spiritual conscience invaded my dreams several nights recently, causing me to lose sleep. That's how I knew I had to call. So, I dialed the number from my celly and started the initial conversation of our mending our relationship.
I won't really go into detail, mostly because I'm still trying to process it myself. But know this: it was a good talk. I was able to apologize for the way things were said on my part, but got to maintain my position. I got to explain some things that were on my heart. He did the same. Surprisingly, there were no raised voices. I'm proud of myself for not letting my emotions take me to a point where I couldn't convey my thoughts. Yelling gets you nowhere, matter how absolutely wonderful and fulfilling it may feel. We scratched the surface of a few issues that we face and decided to work on things on a pace I'm comfortable with. We admitted there were things said in the past that were hurtful on both sides. And up until today, I've always felt like the victim when the disagreement escalated. At least now I'm willing to see his side. I still feel the same way about most of the things and still feel like most of it was messed up. I'm just glad we're to a place where we can try to talk about it. That's all he's asked for apparently. We missed each other and hope to make things work. Without getting sappy, my lovely readers, I'll just say that I'm hoping for the best. No promises, I'm still vulnerable. I still have questions....
I got to tell him about Karter. Yes, he knew I was pregnant...he just hadn't heard it from me until today. That's another things that seemed to bother him. Now, I'm not hateful. I just didn't feel like we were on that level in our relationship anymore. Didn't think he cared. He cleared that up, though. Of course, he thought that was messed up. I still can't say I'm sorry for that. Look at the circumstances! If he didn't want to be a part of my life, I was OK with letting him stay out of it. I only assumed he wanted no part of my business because he never called! Now, he knows without a shadow of a doubt that he's going to be a grandfather. He told me congratulations and everything, but everyone says that lol. I wonder if he's excited. I wonder what his thoughts were when he knew his little girl was having her own child. I mean, was it crazy to get confirmation that I was having sex? Because if he didn't know/care/wouldn't accept it then, the baby in my belly is confirmation enough. haha. I really wish this could have gone down a different way. I really do love the guy, missed him too. But I don't want to have Karter involved in a dysfunctional family feud. As much as I want my son to know my dad, I'll be damned if he'll be exposed to a "sometimey" grandad because me and him can't get our crap together! You know, I've always asked myself why God gave us this wonderful miracle. Maybe He felt it was time for me and Daddy to fix things. Look at epiphany on the spot. My son's already served a wonderful purpose:)
Stay Tuned,
This is Flyy Preggo OUT!!

1 comment:

  1. Hello Dear,
    I think that speaks volumes to the individual or Woman you have become. It is definitely a HUGE confirmation that you are maturing in the right manner. It is always easier to let sleeping dogs lie but it is amazing when you are able to revisit them and are able to converse without a immature dispute. Its not always that this type of opportunity presents itself and it is wonderful to know that you were able to mend fences on your behalf and also your fathers. That brings a smile to my face knowing that issues are able to be resolved between feuding relatives! I want you to be encouraged and continue to prepare for the bundle of joy you are about to have in a little while. This is a quote that I have penned and I hope you are able to attest to it , "Don't allow others to cause you to loose your identity within your trials and tribulations. Always vow to remain true to yourself".