Let me take you back a week ago...
It's December 28th, 2010--4:30 am. I felt my first contraction. Of course, I didn't really know that's what it was. It felt like a really bad period cramp, so I toughed it out. I only knew they were contractions because they kept coming, but only a few times every hour. I didn't try to go to the doctor because I knew the next day, we were planning to induce Jr. The plan was to go into the hospital on Wednesday, start the Cervadil to open my cervix and then start my Pitocin to bring on the contractions. He was supposed to be here Thursday afternoon. But my son had a different plan, one that had me in pain allll day on Tuesday. So, Tony made me walk around our little apartment, upon the advice of a friend. By the time I was ready to go to bed that night, I was still in pain so I decided to time what I was sure was contractions at that point. When Tony was in the bed with me, we found that they were coming every 10 minutes. I couldn't take it anymore, so we called the doctor and she told me to meet her at the hospital. The contractions were lasting about 1-2 minutes at a time and so I suffered that on the way downtown and it only seemed to get worse! It was constant agony by the time I was putting on the ugly, backless hospital gown and getting hooked up to all kinds of IVs and blood pressure pumps and needles and such. The nurse was asking me all kinds of questions about my medical history and annoying me with the details about things I didn't care about. I just wanted to know when I could get the Epidural. Then she tells me I had to wait until my doctor got there, who I guess was running a little late. So, I dealt with the relentless contractions for another hour or so until finally a man came in with the anesthesia. And when he gave it to me, I felt a relief I never have before in all my 24 years! lol. The funny thing was that they let me have this button that controls the dosage I want. So, if I wanted a little more I could give it to myself. I found that a little dangerous, but they all assured me that I couldn't OD on it, so I went for it! That actually proved a little dumb considering I couldn't feel my legs during the pushing part, but I'll get to that. While I'm waiting for the baby to come, I'm sleepy but I can't go to bed. I became a victim of the nausea I've been feeling, probably from all the drugs injected in my body. It was good to have my man there with me, Mommy and my brother came down that night. That really helped me remain calm in spite of the discomfort I felt.
Finally, it was time to push. And let me tell you something: LABOR IS NO JOKE. I was a bit nervous that I wouldn't know what to do, but the nurse told me the game plan. We were going to take a deep breath, push like I'm on the toilet for 10 seconds 3 times in a row, then take a break. I started out OK. I didn't think it would be so hard because I was told Jr.'s head was "right there" and "Oh! He has so much hair, I can put it in a ponytail!" But it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Remember I told you I overdid it with the Epidural? Well, that resulted in dead legs, which made it hard for me to hold my legs and for Tony to hold it up. And because I couldn't feel anything from the waist down I didn't know if I was making any progress. When I asked the nurse, she kept telling me I was doing great, but I still felt his feet in my friggin ribs. It was really discouraging to know I had to push him allllll the way down through my pelvis from alllll the way in my chest! *sigh* Pretty crazy. To make things worse I became exhausted by my 3rd set of 10 seconds. AND, sometimes Karter would even slide back up when I took a deep breath in! That erased all my hardwork:( So, all in all I pushed for a whopping 2.5 hours before our prince was born.
2:08 p.m. on Wednesday, December 29, 2010 Karter came into this world. He literally burst out of me, if you can imagine, at 6 pounds 15 ounces... 18.5 inches. The doctor had to tell me to stop pushing (just when I got it down, lol) so she could catch him like a football. He was gray, slimy, and had a ridiculous cone head...but he was all ours and the cutest thing ever. I was worried at first because he never cried and he swallowed some of his poop. I didn't get to hold him at first because the nurses went to work trying to suction everything out of his lungs before it got worse. But after about 10 minutes, he started getting his color and being responsive. I've never prayed so hard. I didn't even notice the doctor sewing me up or anything I was so concentrated on Karter's health! By the end of the night, I was finally able to see my son up close and hold him. There's nothing like it. I was so nervous about holding him, but it's true what they say: when it's yours, all that melts away. I wouldn't say the maternal instinct came right away, even with him being 6 days by now. But the one thing that is instant is love I feel for him even more each day. He's right up there with his daddy already, and those of you who know me know I love me some Tony:) Anyway, I looked at Karter and he was so cute and kissable..so tiny. I felt like I would do anything to protect him at whatever cost. I thought about how I can't wait until he and I can discuss his hopes and dreams. I wondered what his first word will be, when he will start walking; what will he get his first spanking for? A whirlwind of emotions go through you at that moment, and for me it was all good:)
I have to say before I go thanks to my mommy who came right down and stayed with us for the weekend cooking and cleaning for us. She's going to be a great grandma, or GG as she wants to be called. She loves Karter just as much and it's obvious. Jr.'s had so many visitors since he's come and I'm sure he's charmed each one of them like he has me and his father...
And about his dad, Tony; he is my love and the man I know will be a great, wonderful, attentive father to our son. The man who was the perfect coach during labor and the most helpful to me during our stay in the hospital and when I got home. I love you and I know Karter does too. I can't wait to see what we can do with this one!
Now, I'll be starting a new journey: Being Karter's Mommy:)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tis the Season...
So far, it looks like Karter will be missing Christmas 2010 with the rest of the world, and I'm disappointed. But this gives me time to think about how I want to approach his experience with the biggest holiday of the year when 2011 rolls around. With Christmas vastly approaching, I've been thinking about what it will be like when my son's old enough to absorb concepts like the North Pole, reindeer, and 'ol St. Nick himself. See, I've always known there was no Santa; my parents never allowed us to believe in him. I don't know if it was their way to keep us focused on the "reason for the season" or what, but looking back I feel cheated. Much like the way I felt not being allowed to trick or treat, but I digress. Tony and I have discussed this and most likely we'll be telling our boy about the tubby guy who slides down the chimney once a year. It'll be fun to let him take pictures with Santa in the mall and to bake cookies for Santa to leave with his milk. I want to share this with Karter, perhaps to live vicariously through him? I don't know, but I this is something I want Jr. to have that I didn't. It will be fun and will give us another pastime to bond over. But the world is so cruel.
See, what I'm not looking forward to is explaining that there really isn't a Santa. No toy factory at the North Pole. No reindeer. No elves. How and when do you tell your child that? Maybe that's what my parents were doing: avoiding this difficult and inevitable task. Society doesn't make it easy to keep the secret. There are commercials with drunk Santas advertising the latest alcoholic beverage. Santa is black. Santa is white. He was on the side of the road earlier today luring passersby to get an advance on their tax refunds. I mean, he's everywhere. And if my child is going to be as smart as I know he will be, he'll eventually ask me how Santa can be more than one place at once and why he looks one way today and completely different in two weeks! What our dream home has everything but a fireplace and Karter puts 2 and 2 together?? I can't tell him Santa's going to just text me when he's outside with his sack! Parents, I ask you: how can you protect your children from this?! It just seems like so much pressure to continue to hold up this harmless fantasy with lies and deceit. Am I making this too serious? I'm sure it's me being extra again, lol.
I've heard horror stories about how people have come to know the truth. A lady at my job told me her mom was a drunk. Her mom went out the night before Christmas, got lit and returned home without putting the gifts under the tree. Like every other kid in the world, my co-worker wakes up ready to rip open all of her presents but nothing's there. She looks outside to find the other children riding their new bikes and such only wake her mom up and ask her what happen. Well, her mother had to admit she left the gifts at her sister's house and she got right up to retrieve them. Poor chile still didn't get it, until her sister finally told her there isn't a Santa. I heard an episode of Wendy Williams radio show where a mother couldn't bring herself to tell her daughter that Santa didn't exist. The girl was 12 years old, too old to believe I think...but she took it pretty hard. Can you imagine? SMH...I don't want to devastate my child. I'm sure as Tony reads this, he'll say something macho like, "this will build character". Whatever, lol. I think this is a genuine and legitimate concern to have. And I'm sure it's going to turn out OK. You know me, just have to get my random thoughts out...I suppose I'll worry about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy when it gets here.
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!
See, what I'm not looking forward to is explaining that there really isn't a Santa. No toy factory at the North Pole. No reindeer. No elves. How and when do you tell your child that? Maybe that's what my parents were doing: avoiding this difficult and inevitable task. Society doesn't make it easy to keep the secret. There are commercials with drunk Santas advertising the latest alcoholic beverage. Santa is black. Santa is white. He was on the side of the road earlier today luring passersby to get an advance on their tax refunds. I mean, he's everywhere. And if my child is going to be as smart as I know he will be, he'll eventually ask me how Santa can be more than one place at once and why he looks one way today and completely different in two weeks! What our dream home has everything but a fireplace and Karter puts 2 and 2 together?? I can't tell him Santa's going to just text me when he's outside with his sack! Parents, I ask you: how can you protect your children from this?! It just seems like so much pressure to continue to hold up this harmless fantasy with lies and deceit. Am I making this too serious? I'm sure it's me being extra again, lol.
I've heard horror stories about how people have come to know the truth. A lady at my job told me her mom was a drunk. Her mom went out the night before Christmas, got lit and returned home without putting the gifts under the tree. Like every other kid in the world, my co-worker wakes up ready to rip open all of her presents but nothing's there. She looks outside to find the other children riding their new bikes and such only wake her mom up and ask her what happen. Well, her mother had to admit she left the gifts at her sister's house and she got right up to retrieve them. Poor chile still didn't get it, until her sister finally told her there isn't a Santa. I heard an episode of Wendy Williams radio show where a mother couldn't bring herself to tell her daughter that Santa didn't exist. The girl was 12 years old, too old to believe I think...but she took it pretty hard. Can you imagine? SMH...I don't want to devastate my child. I'm sure as Tony reads this, he'll say something macho like, "this will build character". Whatever, lol. I think this is a genuine and legitimate concern to have. And I'm sure it's going to turn out OK. You know me, just have to get my random thoughts out...I suppose I'll worry about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy when it gets here.
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Takin time off
I'm finally on leave. I'm sure I don't have to express how excited I am about that, so I'll just keep it there:). I'm just glad to have time to do the little things. The nursery is almost done; that is if my wonderful boyfriend finally mounts Karter's bookshelf on the wall! Anyway, I was in there yesterday for a while and just sat in the rocking chair, looking around. I'm really excited about having a baby to put in all those clothes hanging in the closet and folded in the drawers. Soon, the crib will have more company than the teddy bear!
Besides organizing Karter's castle and looking for a new gig, I've been concentrating on how to jump start this here labor. Don't get me wrong, I want Karter to come when he's ready. I don't want him to come early and something go wrong. But being almost 40 weeks, I know he's ready. And I think it's time for him to see the world, get a head start on life, and give his mommy her body back! I hope it's not a terrible thing to say, but I's tyad of bein' pregnant, Boss! lol... So, I've Googled, Binged, and took a survey on Facebook about what I can do to make Karter come.
The first thing everyone tells me to do is have sex. I've read that the semen and my having an orgasm will soften my cervix and somehow help things move along. I guess it makes sense, it seems that a lot of our natural bodily fluids contain hormones that work together to make just about anything happen. *sigh* I've tried explaining this to my man, but this is out. Not, to get too personal, but Tony's freaked out about the idea of doing it with a kid in the room, let alone my body. It became especially hard for me to convince him when Karter ran out of room in my belly and we could see every move he makes. The baby's pretty much up when I am, which works for me to sleep through the night, but not for intimate time with Daddy. It may be a good thing, though. I haven't had sex in months, so it hurts even now when the doctor checks my cervix for dilation. That works out, I guess.
I'm also told to eat and drink random things. The most common suggestion is Castor Oil...umm, no thanks. I'm not down with drinking a laxative to push the baby out. If it doesn't work, I'm stuck on the toilet all day when I could be doing something productive. I've seen on TV that women eat spicy foods to jumpstart labor. I'm not so opposed to that, even though I don't like spicy food. My stomach is really sensitive and I may still be stuck in the bathroom for a couple of hours. Maybe that's out too, lol. I was told to try raspberry tea, which I'll go buy today because it's the least scary thing someone told me to try.
I've finally got time to walk. So, I went to the mall with a friend last week and Tony and I went again yesterday. This is something I'll continue all week to make the baby shimmy on down the birth canal. It seems this technique is one of the oldest and most common; but I have my doubts about it. Karter still likes to float around in my ribs every so often. It makes me think that walking undoes everything Karter's already worked to do, which is getting closer to the promise land... lol. And plus, it hurts to walk for exercise these days. I tried to explain to my best friend how it feels when Jr. is sitting so low. All I could tell her was to imagine a 5-6 pound ball of fire sitting on your bladder and pelvic bone. Sometimes I feel like the bones on either side lack the cartilage now, so they scrape together when I walk---hence the waddle. Everyone wonders why we preggers walk the way we do. I've finally figured it out: it shifts the weight and makes it at lease a little more comfortable to be on the move. Tony's told me to take a relaxing bath, which I've verified online. These websites talk about pressure points, massages, and aroma therapy as well. *rolling eyes* I just feel like that's too much work. I may seem to be on the fence about actually trying these methods, but one thing is certain that this baby has to come soon.
Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. Karter will be fine, we're covered by the blood;) I know God's got me. I'll just ask Him for a little patience in these last few days. I'm going to go about my days following a routine that will keep my mind off of everything. I know he'll come when he comes. And when he does, you guys will all know exactly how it went.
This is FLYY PREGGO OUT:)
Besides organizing Karter's castle and looking for a new gig, I've been concentrating on how to jump start this here labor. Don't get me wrong, I want Karter to come when he's ready. I don't want him to come early and something go wrong. But being almost 40 weeks, I know he's ready. And I think it's time for him to see the world, get a head start on life, and give his mommy her body back! I hope it's not a terrible thing to say, but I's tyad of bein' pregnant, Boss! lol... So, I've Googled, Binged, and took a survey on Facebook about what I can do to make Karter come.
The first thing everyone tells me to do is have sex. I've read that the semen and my having an orgasm will soften my cervix and somehow help things move along. I guess it makes sense, it seems that a lot of our natural bodily fluids contain hormones that work together to make just about anything happen. *sigh* I've tried explaining this to my man, but this is out. Not, to get too personal, but Tony's freaked out about the idea of doing it with a kid in the room, let alone my body. It became especially hard for me to convince him when Karter ran out of room in my belly and we could see every move he makes. The baby's pretty much up when I am, which works for me to sleep through the night, but not for intimate time with Daddy. It may be a good thing, though. I haven't had sex in months, so it hurts even now when the doctor checks my cervix for dilation. That works out, I guess.
I'm also told to eat and drink random things. The most common suggestion is Castor Oil...umm, no thanks. I'm not down with drinking a laxative to push the baby out. If it doesn't work, I'm stuck on the toilet all day when I could be doing something productive. I've seen on TV that women eat spicy foods to jumpstart labor. I'm not so opposed to that, even though I don't like spicy food. My stomach is really sensitive and I may still be stuck in the bathroom for a couple of hours. Maybe that's out too, lol. I was told to try raspberry tea, which I'll go buy today because it's the least scary thing someone told me to try.
I've finally got time to walk. So, I went to the mall with a friend last week and Tony and I went again yesterday. This is something I'll continue all week to make the baby shimmy on down the birth canal. It seems this technique is one of the oldest and most common; but I have my doubts about it. Karter still likes to float around in my ribs every so often. It makes me think that walking undoes everything Karter's already worked to do, which is getting closer to the promise land... lol. And plus, it hurts to walk for exercise these days. I tried to explain to my best friend how it feels when Jr. is sitting so low. All I could tell her was to imagine a 5-6 pound ball of fire sitting on your bladder and pelvic bone. Sometimes I feel like the bones on either side lack the cartilage now, so they scrape together when I walk---hence the waddle. Everyone wonders why we preggers walk the way we do. I've finally figured it out: it shifts the weight and makes it at lease a little more comfortable to be on the move. Tony's told me to take a relaxing bath, which I've verified online. These websites talk about pressure points, massages, and aroma therapy as well. *rolling eyes* I just feel like that's too much work. I may seem to be on the fence about actually trying these methods, but one thing is certain that this baby has to come soon.
Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. Karter will be fine, we're covered by the blood;) I know God's got me. I'll just ask Him for a little patience in these last few days. I'm going to go about my days following a routine that will keep my mind off of everything. I know he'll come when he comes. And when he does, you guys will all know exactly how it went.
This is FLYY PREGGO OUT:)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
My stupid job
I'm super sad...the kind of sad that makes me not want to do anything for the rest of the day. The kind of sad where I don't want to answer the phone, eat, watch tv---anything. I'm in the type of mood where Tony couldn't even make me happy, not even by giving me the diamond ring I really want. It's terrible when things you want to happen don't. When you have something planned and it falls through. I have, well had, one of those plans. I had a dream to go out of work early and finally get some relief from the stress that is my job. I was going to use this extra time to kick up my feet and wait for the eagle to land. I wanted to make December 11th, 2010 my last day at that place forever. That's right...go on leave under FMLA (because they don't offer me maternity leave) and never go back. But today, my doctor told me that I may have to work longer, that I don't have any medical condition in which to pull me off of work any earlier than necessary. I guess I should consider myself lucky to have had no complications whatsoever throughout this beautiful journey, but you don't know what I deal with on a daily basis at this place. I just want to vent about it.
What kind of place takes over a new portfolio from a fairly large company more than halfway throughout the year. And without warning to its new clients, no less? Not a courtesy letter or statement was sent out as the change from one corp to another was under way. This caused so much confusion; every client I spoke to at that time complained about those two inconveniences, as well as a whole heap more. As we were converting from one bank to another, there were other issues with the customers' automatic drafts, lack of statements (to this day), multiple drafts from their bank accounts causing overdrafts, etc. My colleagues and I had a 3 day training to learn the new policies...managers and employees alike were thrown into this situation that is still a bit chaotic. No one knows what's going on, so when a client wants to talk to a manager, I always advise them my superior knows no more than I do. That's just a tip of the ice burg; I have other concerns. At the same time of learning a new company, I had to deal with switching my insurance company that had another, more steep deductible for me to meet all over again. I'm more than halfway through my pregnancy having to deal with this, mind you. We had to forfeit time off that was already requested and fight for the days all over again. In my case, I have to save my time off because the new company doesn't offer maternity leave. I've mentioned this before, so understand how much this bothers me. I go from being guaranteed 13 weeks pay---full pay-- while I'm out of work caring for Karter to 13 weeks off...4 weeks pay at just 60% of my salary, which was also cut. Anyway, to dip into my vacation time is to dip into the PTO that will save me during the 2 weeks I have to wait for the short term disability to pay me. *SIGH* ...*SIGH* again....
I know I'm better than this place. I have a degree from a 4-year university, a damn near ivy league institution! Yet, I'm stuck. Bound to a phone 8 hours a day. Watching my "utilization" on the dialer so I'm sure to be on the phones to hear the numerous complainers who want to blame me for a new company handling their car note. Well, I have a new company dictating my life and I have to deal with it. I told this one client that I don't sympathize with him because he didn't get a statement. I don't get a statement for a few of my bills and I still manage to pay them on time; "I don't get paid maternity leave now that we've converted, sir. Now what can I help you with?" was my answer to him. Yea, that's totally against a proper call model at a call center, but I was fed up. I'm even more fed up that I have to spend more time there. I cried all the way to work. The entire 45 minute drive here today---late at that---I broke down. Praise God I got here safely. I'm just annoyed to have to travel that far to a place I loathe. A place that barely has a functional HR department. I know the extra time I may have to work won't be much, but it's going to seem like years unless Karter comes early. The soonest we can talk about writing me out is when I reach 39 weeks and he's not here. Then, I can induce my labor. I don't want to do that anyway, so all I can do it wait---I'm 35 weeks and 3 days now. I thought I was strong enough for this. I'm driving up and down this road to make sure I can contribute to giving my family a comfortable start. Tony's working hard through it all, but I don't want him to do it alone. Man, I would have quit a long time ago, but I need the coverage and the pay. I don't want to struggle. I feel bad that it doesn't seem like I'm trusting God enough to carry me through. I'm worried about not finding a job while I'm on leave. Worried that I might punk out and go back to the job I hate because I'm scared we won't have a means to and end. I'm worried we won't have food while I can't bring in the extra income. Concerns, concerns, concerns...that's all I have. I just want to enjoy anticipating the birth of my son, but I can't. Am I exaggerating? Could this depression I think I'm feeling be hormones? I don't know world....
This is Flyy Preggo OUT!!
What kind of place takes over a new portfolio from a fairly large company more than halfway throughout the year. And without warning to its new clients, no less? Not a courtesy letter or statement was sent out as the change from one corp to another was under way. This caused so much confusion; every client I spoke to at that time complained about those two inconveniences, as well as a whole heap more. As we were converting from one bank to another, there were other issues with the customers' automatic drafts, lack of statements (to this day), multiple drafts from their bank accounts causing overdrafts, etc. My colleagues and I had a 3 day training to learn the new policies...managers and employees alike were thrown into this situation that is still a bit chaotic. No one knows what's going on, so when a client wants to talk to a manager, I always advise them my superior knows no more than I do. That's just a tip of the ice burg; I have other concerns. At the same time of learning a new company, I had to deal with switching my insurance company that had another, more steep deductible for me to meet all over again. I'm more than halfway through my pregnancy having to deal with this, mind you. We had to forfeit time off that was already requested and fight for the days all over again. In my case, I have to save my time off because the new company doesn't offer maternity leave. I've mentioned this before, so understand how much this bothers me. I go from being guaranteed 13 weeks pay---full pay-- while I'm out of work caring for Karter to 13 weeks off...4 weeks pay at just 60% of my salary, which was also cut. Anyway, to dip into my vacation time is to dip into the PTO that will save me during the 2 weeks I have to wait for the short term disability to pay me. *SIGH* ...*SIGH* again....
I know I'm better than this place. I have a degree from a 4-year university, a damn near ivy league institution! Yet, I'm stuck. Bound to a phone 8 hours a day. Watching my "utilization" on the dialer so I'm sure to be on the phones to hear the numerous complainers who want to blame me for a new company handling their car note. Well, I have a new company dictating my life and I have to deal with it. I told this one client that I don't sympathize with him because he didn't get a statement. I don't get a statement for a few of my bills and I still manage to pay them on time; "I don't get paid maternity leave now that we've converted, sir. Now what can I help you with?" was my answer to him. Yea, that's totally against a proper call model at a call center, but I was fed up. I'm even more fed up that I have to spend more time there. I cried all the way to work. The entire 45 minute drive here today---late at that---I broke down. Praise God I got here safely. I'm just annoyed to have to travel that far to a place I loathe. A place that barely has a functional HR department. I know the extra time I may have to work won't be much, but it's going to seem like years unless Karter comes early. The soonest we can talk about writing me out is when I reach 39 weeks and he's not here. Then, I can induce my labor. I don't want to do that anyway, so all I can do it wait---I'm 35 weeks and 3 days now. I thought I was strong enough for this. I'm driving up and down this road to make sure I can contribute to giving my family a comfortable start. Tony's working hard through it all, but I don't want him to do it alone. Man, I would have quit a long time ago, but I need the coverage and the pay. I don't want to struggle. I feel bad that it doesn't seem like I'm trusting God enough to carry me through. I'm worried about not finding a job while I'm on leave. Worried that I might punk out and go back to the job I hate because I'm scared we won't have a means to and end. I'm worried we won't have food while I can't bring in the extra income. Concerns, concerns, concerns...that's all I have. I just want to enjoy anticipating the birth of my son, but I can't. Am I exaggerating? Could this depression I think I'm feeling be hormones? I don't know world....
This is Flyy Preggo OUT!!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Can Really We Fix It?
I talked to my dad today. I was on my way home from work and something in my gut kept telling me to go ahead and make the phone call. Now, I'm a prideful person. I think this is what stopped me from calling a long time ago; well, that and the fact that every time I thought of the situation I got too pissed to even want to hear the man's voice! I also hesitated because I wondered if he would pick up the phone first. A large part of me thought he should. (If this is your first time tuning in to my blog, you may want to go back to the "Family Tree" entry; it's a precedent to this one). Anyway, I learned so much as I started to get back into church. I realized the "feeling in my gut" was just the Holy Spirit telling me to do the right thing. This spiritual conscience invaded my dreams several nights recently, causing me to lose sleep. That's how I knew I had to call. So, I dialed the number from my celly and started the initial conversation of our mending our relationship.
I won't really go into detail, mostly because I'm still trying to process it myself. But know this: it was a good talk. I was able to apologize for the way things were said on my part, but got to maintain my position. I got to explain some things that were on my heart. He did the same. Surprisingly, there were no raised voices. I'm proud of myself for not letting my emotions take me to a point where I couldn't convey my thoughts. Yelling gets you nowhere, guys...no matter how absolutely wonderful and fulfilling it may feel. We scratched the surface of a few issues that we face and decided to work on things on a pace I'm comfortable with. We admitted there were things said in the past that were hurtful on both sides. And up until today, I've always felt like the victim when the disagreement escalated. At least now I'm willing to see his side. I still feel the same way about most of the things and still feel like most of it was messed up. I'm just glad we're to a place where we can try to talk about it. That's all he's asked for apparently. We missed each other and hope to make things work. Without getting sappy, my lovely readers, I'll just say that I'm hoping for the best. No promises, I'm still vulnerable. I still have questions....
I got to tell him about Karter. Yes, he knew I was pregnant...he just hadn't heard it from me until today. That's another things that seemed to bother him. Now, I'm not hateful. I just didn't feel like we were on that level in our relationship anymore. Didn't think he cared. He cleared that up, though. Of course, he thought that was messed up. I still can't say I'm sorry for that. Look at the circumstances! If he didn't want to be a part of my life, I was OK with letting him stay out of it. I only assumed he wanted no part of my business because he never called! Now, he knows without a shadow of a doubt that he's going to be a grandfather. He told me congratulations and everything, but everyone says that lol. I wonder if he's excited. I wonder what his thoughts were when he knew his little girl was having her own child. I mean, was it crazy to get confirmation that I was having sex? Because if he didn't know/care/wouldn't accept it then, the baby in my belly is confirmation enough. haha. I really wish this could have gone down a different way. I really do love the guy, missed him too. But I don't want to have Karter involved in a dysfunctional family feud. As much as I want my son to know my dad, I'll be damned if he'll be exposed to a "sometimey" grandad because me and him can't get our crap together! You know, I've always asked myself why God gave us this wonderful miracle. Maybe He felt it was time for me and Daddy to fix things. Look at that...an epiphany on the spot. My son's already served a wonderful purpose:)
Stay Tuned,
This is Flyy Preggo OUT!!
I won't really go into detail, mostly because I'm still trying to process it myself. But know this: it was a good talk. I was able to apologize for the way things were said on my part, but got to maintain my position. I got to explain some things that were on my heart. He did the same. Surprisingly, there were no raised voices. I'm proud of myself for not letting my emotions take me to a point where I couldn't convey my thoughts. Yelling gets you nowhere, guys...no matter how absolutely wonderful and fulfilling it may feel. We scratched the surface of a few issues that we face and decided to work on things on a pace I'm comfortable with. We admitted there were things said in the past that were hurtful on both sides. And up until today, I've always felt like the victim when the disagreement escalated. At least now I'm willing to see his side. I still feel the same way about most of the things and still feel like most of it was messed up. I'm just glad we're to a place where we can try to talk about it. That's all he's asked for apparently. We missed each other and hope to make things work. Without getting sappy, my lovely readers, I'll just say that I'm hoping for the best. No promises, I'm still vulnerable. I still have questions....
I got to tell him about Karter. Yes, he knew I was pregnant...he just hadn't heard it from me until today. That's another things that seemed to bother him. Now, I'm not hateful. I just didn't feel like we were on that level in our relationship anymore. Didn't think he cared. He cleared that up, though. Of course, he thought that was messed up. I still can't say I'm sorry for that. Look at the circumstances! If he didn't want to be a part of my life, I was OK with letting him stay out of it. I only assumed he wanted no part of my business because he never called! Now, he knows without a shadow of a doubt that he's going to be a grandfather. He told me congratulations and everything, but everyone says that lol. I wonder if he's excited. I wonder what his thoughts were when he knew his little girl was having her own child. I mean, was it crazy to get confirmation that I was having sex? Because if he didn't know/care/wouldn't accept it then, the baby in my belly is confirmation enough. haha. I really wish this could have gone down a different way. I really do love the guy, missed him too. But I don't want to have Karter involved in a dysfunctional family feud. As much as I want my son to know my dad, I'll be damned if he'll be exposed to a "sometimey" grandad because me and him can't get our crap together! You know, I've always asked myself why God gave us this wonderful miracle. Maybe He felt it was time for me and Daddy to fix things. Look at that...an epiphany on the spot. My son's already served a wonderful purpose:)
Stay Tuned,
This is Flyy Preggo OUT!!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
In the homestretch...
I had an appointment today. It was my first one without Tony; he had to go to work:( It sucked because I had to get a shot today...in my butt cheek. I forget what it's called, but it's to protect Karter and me as our blood mixes. Since I'm a negative blood type, I had to get it to make sure we're healthy...at least that's how I understood it. I got to ask a lot of questions today. I had a lot of the things figured out since our last visit. I found a pediatrician, decided who will carry Karter on their insurance, and even got a brand new crib on the way from Tony's mom! So, I feel like I have a lot of things under control. But the truth is I'm deathly afraid...
Remember I told you I'm a planner to the core? I knew there would be a day when I realized that preparation just wouldn't be good enough. Giving birth is the most unpredictable event in life. I think that's the first thing that mortifies me. I don't know where I'm going to be or how it's going to feel when it all goes down. It's like waiting for Jesus to come back, man! What if I'm driving alone someplace and I'm hit with a contraction? Even worse, what if I'm at work and my water breaks? Now, recall that I work about and hour away from home. I plan to work until I can't anymore---only becuase of this acquisition I just underwent at work. The coverage sucks and there's no maternity leave. So needless to say, my plan is to work as close to the due date as possible so I can maximize my time out...at least I'm entitled to FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). Anyway, I'm thinking of other things like going to the bathroom and not even knowing the water broke and then getting up and seeing Karter swimming in the toilet! It's crazy, I know...I'm exaggerating. But the surprise of labor is the biggest issue I have with this whole thing. I tried to get an idea of what the contraction will feel like, but my doctor couldn't really explain. Maybe she didn't want to get into it because these things vary per woman. Maybe she didn't want to scare me. It's too late, though. I've heard horror stories more frequently lately. I think I have a sign on me that says: "PLEASE SHARE YOUR CHILDBIRTH EXPERIENCE WITH ME"; it must be invisible because I don't see this on my forehead when I look in the mirror every morning. Crazy...I mean, I don't care that you were ripped front to back and had to get staples because your baby was 13 pounds at birth. I don't care to hear that you were in labor for 3 days and THEN your doctor decided to give you a C-Section. I kid you not, guys. People love to talk to me about this stuff. I just grimace and listen to as much as I can. When the stories are done, they always end with "But he will be the best thing that ever happened to you". All I can think about it the unforgettable image they just gave me. I was also telling my doctor today that I don't have a clue how to deliver a kid; she just told me that most women don't their first time around. But I really meant that I'm nervous because I don't think I'll have time for a childbirthing class. I want to take one, desperately...it's all a part of "the plan". I hope to get into one, at least so it can ease my anxiety!
On top of it all, I'm getting tired of being pregnant. I love my son, but it's getting harder. I think I mentioned that I have been hit with the common ailments we pregnant women deal with. It seems like all mine came at the last minute. It's not fair! I can't eat like I want because all of my food stays in my chest...all due to my stomach shrinking. I have to shift positions several times a day to get comfortable, whether I'm sitting or sleeping or standing. I had the WORST charlie horse in my leg the other night and the leg cramps are becoming more frequent. Babycenter.com tells me I'm in the homestretch, being 30 weeks. I hope this time flies because my boobs are heavy too. I've always wanted them to be larger, lol...but I'm not into this anymore. It's not like I can go wear a sexy tee to show them off, right? Karter's so active, and I love it. Even though sometimes it hurts, at least by now I've figured out his cycle. And by him abusing my ribs, at least I know he's ok. I'm counting the days, guys...he'll be here soon and when he is I can go back to being normal again. I think I'll be able to bounce back, don't you? lol
THIS IS FLYY PREGGO, OUT!
Remember I told you I'm a planner to the core? I knew there would be a day when I realized that preparation just wouldn't be good enough. Giving birth is the most unpredictable event in life. I think that's the first thing that mortifies me. I don't know where I'm going to be or how it's going to feel when it all goes down. It's like waiting for Jesus to come back, man! What if I'm driving alone someplace and I'm hit with a contraction? Even worse, what if I'm at work and my water breaks? Now, recall that I work about and hour away from home. I plan to work until I can't anymore---only becuase of this acquisition I just underwent at work. The coverage sucks and there's no maternity leave. So needless to say, my plan is to work as close to the due date as possible so I can maximize my time out...at least I'm entitled to FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). Anyway, I'm thinking of other things like going to the bathroom and not even knowing the water broke and then getting up and seeing Karter swimming in the toilet! It's crazy, I know...I'm exaggerating. But the surprise of labor is the biggest issue I have with this whole thing. I tried to get an idea of what the contraction will feel like, but my doctor couldn't really explain. Maybe she didn't want to get into it because these things vary per woman. Maybe she didn't want to scare me. It's too late, though. I've heard horror stories more frequently lately. I think I have a sign on me that says: "PLEASE SHARE YOUR CHILDBIRTH EXPERIENCE WITH ME"; it must be invisible because I don't see this on my forehead when I look in the mirror every morning. Crazy...I mean, I don't care that you were ripped front to back and had to get staples because your baby was 13 pounds at birth. I don't care to hear that you were in labor for 3 days and THEN your doctor decided to give you a C-Section. I kid you not, guys. People love to talk to me about this stuff. I just grimace and listen to as much as I can. When the stories are done, they always end with "But he will be the best thing that ever happened to you". All I can think about it the unforgettable image they just gave me. I was also telling my doctor today that I don't have a clue how to deliver a kid; she just told me that most women don't their first time around. But I really meant that I'm nervous because I don't think I'll have time for a childbirthing class. I want to take one, desperately...it's all a part of "the plan". I hope to get into one, at least so it can ease my anxiety!
On top of it all, I'm getting tired of being pregnant. I love my son, but it's getting harder. I think I mentioned that I have been hit with the common ailments we pregnant women deal with. It seems like all mine came at the last minute. It's not fair! I can't eat like I want because all of my food stays in my chest...all due to my stomach shrinking. I have to shift positions several times a day to get comfortable, whether I'm sitting or sleeping or standing. I had the WORST charlie horse in my leg the other night and the leg cramps are becoming more frequent. Babycenter.com tells me I'm in the homestretch, being 30 weeks. I hope this time flies because my boobs are heavy too. I've always wanted them to be larger, lol...but I'm not into this anymore. It's not like I can go wear a sexy tee to show them off, right? Karter's so active, and I love it. Even though sometimes it hurts, at least by now I've figured out his cycle. And by him abusing my ribs, at least I know he's ok. I'm counting the days, guys...he'll be here soon and when he is I can go back to being normal again. I think I'll be able to bounce back, don't you? lol
THIS IS FLYY PREGGO, OUT!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
CATCHING UP...
So, it's been a while folks, but I'm busy with life---lol. I think my last entry, I got emotional while writing the letter to the unborn Karter! But a lot has happened since then; I don't even know where to begin...
I started a new journey in my life: living with my boyfriend of 4 years! Yea, we finally did it and now we're sharing a lease. We rented a cozy duplex in my hometown of Columbia, SC and I couldn't be happier to be home. It was a long road to get here---my credit's pretty jacked, so it took us until right before my last lease was up to be approved. But I've made a goal for myself to get that together. That way I can buy a home and Jr. can have a yard to play in by the time he's able to run around! I was stressing so much about bringing my family together that I hardly ate. I felt like a horrible mother for starving my child, but he's fine; that was me being extra:) But really, I lost sleep and was on edge constantly. I couldn't understand why all of my efforts weren't paying off. Just when I gave it to God, things started rolling smoothly. We got the place and had the resources for me to relocate! Now that I'm here, the main concern is the list of things I have to do to prepare for my son.
At my last doctor's visit, we were told that I was halfway at that point. I have so much to do since I'm now 6 mos in this game! She brought to my attention that we have to think about if we want Karter circumcised (yes); what he will wear home from the hospital ( when I thought a onsie would be provided!); where he will go for check ups ( I don't know any pediatricians here, well--at all); who will carry him on their insurance---me or Tony? I mean this list is extensive and I'm a planner to the core, so this has to go perfectly. I am even considering natural child birth, although it's something I fear worse than death! I just understand it's faster than using medication and I'm all for gettin in and getting him out. I seriously need someone to put a check list together though, because I'm going insane.
On top of all of this, I'm finally starting to feel the ailments most pregnancies bring about. It's been smooth sailing for more than halfway through! But lately I'm feeling the extra fatigue (which isn't improving since I commute about 45 minutes to work each day), lower back pain, and SWOLLEN FEET:( I don't have ankles anymore, guys and it totally hurts to stand up now. I'm already an emotional person, but I'm feeling hormonal lately. I cried when Tony bit me the other day and we were just playing! *SIGH* And speaking of this beautiful man I love, don't you know I get no mercy when I complain about my aching body?? It's unheard of to me that he wants to "build character" for Karter via my uncomfort. I love him, but I'm going to be needing nightly foot rubs soon---no joke. I guess that I should be thankful that he's a good roommate. I'll just take the cooking and cleaning he does, for now:) Remember when I thought I'd be wearing pumps til I "can't no more", lol....well, I can't. I feel unproportioned/weird-looking when I laced up the strappys 2 weekends ago when we went to a movie. I miss them, but it doesn't matter. I can't fit the shoes I have now anyway. I even tried to go find some sensible shoes to wear as I was shopping for MATERNITY CLOTHES!! Yea, that's another thing I said I wouldn't do. Alas, Mother Nature gave me no choice in the matter. I bought these pants with the huge band that covers my tummy---they make me hot; the other pair I bought have this itchy elastic on them. I had to get a size bigger to give me room to grow, so now they sag:( It's terrible...
I don't have to deal with these issues for long, so I'm not trippin. I'm just thankful for the miracle God's given me and Tony. We can't wait until he arrives, then the real fun will begin right? YAY:)
This is FLYY PREGGO, OUT!!
I started a new journey in my life: living with my boyfriend of 4 years! Yea, we finally did it and now we're sharing a lease. We rented a cozy duplex in my hometown of Columbia, SC and I couldn't be happier to be home. It was a long road to get here---my credit's pretty jacked, so it took us until right before my last lease was up to be approved. But I've made a goal for myself to get that together. That way I can buy a home and Jr. can have a yard to play in by the time he's able to run around! I was stressing so much about bringing my family together that I hardly ate. I felt like a horrible mother for starving my child, but he's fine; that was me being extra:) But really, I lost sleep and was on edge constantly. I couldn't understand why all of my efforts weren't paying off. Just when I gave it to God, things started rolling smoothly. We got the place and had the resources for me to relocate! Now that I'm here, the main concern is the list of things I have to do to prepare for my son.
At my last doctor's visit, we were told that I was halfway at that point. I have so much to do since I'm now 6 mos in this game! She brought to my attention that we have to think about if we want Karter circumcised (yes); what he will wear home from the hospital ( when I thought a onsie would be provided!); where he will go for check ups ( I don't know any pediatricians here, well--at all); who will carry him on their insurance---me or Tony? I mean this list is extensive and I'm a planner to the core, so this has to go perfectly. I am even considering natural child birth, although it's something I fear worse than death! I just understand it's faster than using medication and I'm all for gettin in and getting him out. I seriously need someone to put a check list together though, because I'm going insane.
On top of all of this, I'm finally starting to feel the ailments most pregnancies bring about. It's been smooth sailing for more than halfway through! But lately I'm feeling the extra fatigue (which isn't improving since I commute about 45 minutes to work each day), lower back pain, and SWOLLEN FEET:( I don't have ankles anymore, guys and it totally hurts to stand up now. I'm already an emotional person, but I'm feeling hormonal lately. I cried when Tony bit me the other day and we were just playing! *SIGH* And speaking of this beautiful man I love, don't you know I get no mercy when I complain about my aching body?? It's unheard of to me that he wants to "build character" for Karter via my uncomfort. I love him, but I'm going to be needing nightly foot rubs soon---no joke. I guess that I should be thankful that he's a good roommate. I'll just take the cooking and cleaning he does, for now:) Remember when I thought I'd be wearing pumps til I "can't no more", lol....well, I can't. I feel unproportioned/weird-looking when I laced up the strappys 2 weekends ago when we went to a movie. I miss them, but it doesn't matter. I can't fit the shoes I have now anyway. I even tried to go find some sensible shoes to wear as I was shopping for MATERNITY CLOTHES!! Yea, that's another thing I said I wouldn't do. Alas, Mother Nature gave me no choice in the matter. I bought these pants with the huge band that covers my tummy---they make me hot; the other pair I bought have this itchy elastic on them. I had to get a size bigger to give me room to grow, so now they sag:( It's terrible...
I don't have to deal with these issues for long, so I'm not trippin. I'm just thankful for the miracle God's given me and Tony. We can't wait until he arrives, then the real fun will begin right? YAY:)
This is FLYY PREGGO, OUT!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
