So far, it looks like Karter will be missing Christmas 2010 with the rest of the world, and I'm disappointed. But this gives me time to think about how I want to approach his experience with the biggest holiday of the year when 2011 rolls around. With Christmas vastly approaching, I've been thinking about what it will be like when my son's old enough to absorb concepts like the North Pole, reindeer, and 'ol St. Nick himself. See, I've always known there was no Santa; my parents never allowed us to believe in him. I don't know if it was their way to keep us focused on the "reason for the season" or what, but looking back I feel cheated. Much like the way I felt not being allowed to trick or treat, but I digress. Tony and I have discussed this and most likely we'll be telling our boy about the tubby guy who slides down the chimney once a year. It'll be fun to let him take pictures with Santa in the mall and to bake cookies for Santa to leave with his milk. I want to share this with Karter, perhaps to live vicariously through him? I don't know, but I this is something I want Jr. to have that I didn't. It will be fun and will give us another pastime to bond over. But the world is so cruel.
See, what I'm not looking forward to is explaining that there really isn't a Santa. No toy factory at the North Pole. No reindeer. No elves. How and when do you tell your child that? Maybe that's what my parents were doing: avoiding this difficult and inevitable task. Society doesn't make it easy to keep the secret. There are commercials with drunk Santas advertising the latest alcoholic beverage. Santa is black. Santa is white. He was on the side of the road earlier today luring passersby to get an advance on their tax refunds. I mean, he's everywhere. And if my child is going to be as smart as I know he will be, he'll eventually ask me how Santa can be more than one place at once and why he looks one way today and completely different in two weeks! What our dream home has everything but a fireplace and Karter puts 2 and 2 together?? I can't tell him Santa's going to just text me when he's outside with his sack! Parents, I ask you: how can you protect your children from this?! It just seems like so much pressure to continue to hold up this harmless fantasy with lies and deceit. Am I making this too serious? I'm sure it's me being extra again, lol.
I've heard horror stories about how people have come to know the truth. A lady at my job told me her mom was a drunk. Her mom went out the night before Christmas, got lit and returned home without putting the gifts under the tree. Like every other kid in the world, my co-worker wakes up ready to rip open all of her presents but nothing's there. She looks outside to find the other children riding their new bikes and such only wake her mom up and ask her what happen. Well, her mother had to admit she left the gifts at her sister's house and she got right up to retrieve them. Poor chile still didn't get it, until her sister finally told her there isn't a Santa. I heard an episode of Wendy Williams radio show where a mother couldn't bring herself to tell her daughter that Santa didn't exist. The girl was 12 years old, too old to believe I think...but she took it pretty hard. Can you imagine? SMH...I don't want to devastate my child. I'm sure as Tony reads this, he'll say something macho like, "this will build character". Whatever, lol. I think this is a genuine and legitimate concern to have. And I'm sure it's going to turn out OK. You know me, just have to get my random thoughts out...I suppose I'll worry about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy when it gets here.
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Takin time off
I'm finally on leave. I'm sure I don't have to express how excited I am about that, so I'll just keep it there:). I'm just glad to have time to do the little things. The nursery is almost done; that is if my wonderful boyfriend finally mounts Karter's bookshelf on the wall! Anyway, I was in there yesterday for a while and just sat in the rocking chair, looking around. I'm really excited about having a baby to put in all those clothes hanging in the closet and folded in the drawers. Soon, the crib will have more company than the teddy bear!
Besides organizing Karter's castle and looking for a new gig, I've been concentrating on how to jump start this here labor. Don't get me wrong, I want Karter to come when he's ready. I don't want him to come early and something go wrong. But being almost 40 weeks, I know he's ready. And I think it's time for him to see the world, get a head start on life, and give his mommy her body back! I hope it's not a terrible thing to say, but I's tyad of bein' pregnant, Boss! lol... So, I've Googled, Binged, and took a survey on Facebook about what I can do to make Karter come.
The first thing everyone tells me to do is have sex. I've read that the semen and my having an orgasm will soften my cervix and somehow help things move along. I guess it makes sense, it seems that a lot of our natural bodily fluids contain hormones that work together to make just about anything happen. *sigh* I've tried explaining this to my man, but this is out. Not, to get too personal, but Tony's freaked out about the idea of doing it with a kid in the room, let alone my body. It became especially hard for me to convince him when Karter ran out of room in my belly and we could see every move he makes. The baby's pretty much up when I am, which works for me to sleep through the night, but not for intimate time with Daddy. It may be a good thing, though. I haven't had sex in months, so it hurts even now when the doctor checks my cervix for dilation. That works out, I guess.
I'm also told to eat and drink random things. The most common suggestion is Castor Oil...umm, no thanks. I'm not down with drinking a laxative to push the baby out. If it doesn't work, I'm stuck on the toilet all day when I could be doing something productive. I've seen on TV that women eat spicy foods to jumpstart labor. I'm not so opposed to that, even though I don't like spicy food. My stomach is really sensitive and I may still be stuck in the bathroom for a couple of hours. Maybe that's out too, lol. I was told to try raspberry tea, which I'll go buy today because it's the least scary thing someone told me to try.
I've finally got time to walk. So, I went to the mall with a friend last week and Tony and I went again yesterday. This is something I'll continue all week to make the baby shimmy on down the birth canal. It seems this technique is one of the oldest and most common; but I have my doubts about it. Karter still likes to float around in my ribs every so often. It makes me think that walking undoes everything Karter's already worked to do, which is getting closer to the promise land... lol. And plus, it hurts to walk for exercise these days. I tried to explain to my best friend how it feels when Jr. is sitting so low. All I could tell her was to imagine a 5-6 pound ball of fire sitting on your bladder and pelvic bone. Sometimes I feel like the bones on either side lack the cartilage now, so they scrape together when I walk---hence the waddle. Everyone wonders why we preggers walk the way we do. I've finally figured it out: it shifts the weight and makes it at lease a little more comfortable to be on the move. Tony's told me to take a relaxing bath, which I've verified online. These websites talk about pressure points, massages, and aroma therapy as well. *rolling eyes* I just feel like that's too much work. I may seem to be on the fence about actually trying these methods, but one thing is certain that this baby has to come soon.
Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. Karter will be fine, we're covered by the blood;) I know God's got me. I'll just ask Him for a little patience in these last few days. I'm going to go about my days following a routine that will keep my mind off of everything. I know he'll come when he comes. And when he does, you guys will all know exactly how it went.
This is FLYY PREGGO OUT:)
Besides organizing Karter's castle and looking for a new gig, I've been concentrating on how to jump start this here labor. Don't get me wrong, I want Karter to come when he's ready. I don't want him to come early and something go wrong. But being almost 40 weeks, I know he's ready. And I think it's time for him to see the world, get a head start on life, and give his mommy her body back! I hope it's not a terrible thing to say, but I's tyad of bein' pregnant, Boss! lol... So, I've Googled, Binged, and took a survey on Facebook about what I can do to make Karter come.
The first thing everyone tells me to do is have sex. I've read that the semen and my having an orgasm will soften my cervix and somehow help things move along. I guess it makes sense, it seems that a lot of our natural bodily fluids contain hormones that work together to make just about anything happen. *sigh* I've tried explaining this to my man, but this is out. Not, to get too personal, but Tony's freaked out about the idea of doing it with a kid in the room, let alone my body. It became especially hard for me to convince him when Karter ran out of room in my belly and we could see every move he makes. The baby's pretty much up when I am, which works for me to sleep through the night, but not for intimate time with Daddy. It may be a good thing, though. I haven't had sex in months, so it hurts even now when the doctor checks my cervix for dilation. That works out, I guess.
I'm also told to eat and drink random things. The most common suggestion is Castor Oil...umm, no thanks. I'm not down with drinking a laxative to push the baby out. If it doesn't work, I'm stuck on the toilet all day when I could be doing something productive. I've seen on TV that women eat spicy foods to jumpstart labor. I'm not so opposed to that, even though I don't like spicy food. My stomach is really sensitive and I may still be stuck in the bathroom for a couple of hours. Maybe that's out too, lol. I was told to try raspberry tea, which I'll go buy today because it's the least scary thing someone told me to try.
I've finally got time to walk. So, I went to the mall with a friend last week and Tony and I went again yesterday. This is something I'll continue all week to make the baby shimmy on down the birth canal. It seems this technique is one of the oldest and most common; but I have my doubts about it. Karter still likes to float around in my ribs every so often. It makes me think that walking undoes everything Karter's already worked to do, which is getting closer to the promise land... lol. And plus, it hurts to walk for exercise these days. I tried to explain to my best friend how it feels when Jr. is sitting so low. All I could tell her was to imagine a 5-6 pound ball of fire sitting on your bladder and pelvic bone. Sometimes I feel like the bones on either side lack the cartilage now, so they scrape together when I walk---hence the waddle. Everyone wonders why we preggers walk the way we do. I've finally figured it out: it shifts the weight and makes it at lease a little more comfortable to be on the move. Tony's told me to take a relaxing bath, which I've verified online. These websites talk about pressure points, massages, and aroma therapy as well. *rolling eyes* I just feel like that's too much work. I may seem to be on the fence about actually trying these methods, but one thing is certain that this baby has to come soon.
Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. Karter will be fine, we're covered by the blood;) I know God's got me. I'll just ask Him for a little patience in these last few days. I'm going to go about my days following a routine that will keep my mind off of everything. I know he'll come when he comes. And when he does, you guys will all know exactly how it went.
This is FLYY PREGGO OUT:)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
My stupid job
I'm super sad...the kind of sad that makes me not want to do anything for the rest of the day. The kind of sad where I don't want to answer the phone, eat, watch tv---anything. I'm in the type of mood where Tony couldn't even make me happy, not even by giving me the diamond ring I really want. It's terrible when things you want to happen don't. When you have something planned and it falls through. I have, well had, one of those plans. I had a dream to go out of work early and finally get some relief from the stress that is my job. I was going to use this extra time to kick up my feet and wait for the eagle to land. I wanted to make December 11th, 2010 my last day at that place forever. That's right...go on leave under FMLA (because they don't offer me maternity leave) and never go back. But today, my doctor told me that I may have to work longer, that I don't have any medical condition in which to pull me off of work any earlier than necessary. I guess I should consider myself lucky to have had no complications whatsoever throughout this beautiful journey, but you don't know what I deal with on a daily basis at this place. I just want to vent about it.
What kind of place takes over a new portfolio from a fairly large company more than halfway throughout the year. And without warning to its new clients, no less? Not a courtesy letter or statement was sent out as the change from one corp to another was under way. This caused so much confusion; every client I spoke to at that time complained about those two inconveniences, as well as a whole heap more. As we were converting from one bank to another, there were other issues with the customers' automatic drafts, lack of statements (to this day), multiple drafts from their bank accounts causing overdrafts, etc. My colleagues and I had a 3 day training to learn the new policies...managers and employees alike were thrown into this situation that is still a bit chaotic. No one knows what's going on, so when a client wants to talk to a manager, I always advise them my superior knows no more than I do. That's just a tip of the ice burg; I have other concerns. At the same time of learning a new company, I had to deal with switching my insurance company that had another, more steep deductible for me to meet all over again. I'm more than halfway through my pregnancy having to deal with this, mind you. We had to forfeit time off that was already requested and fight for the days all over again. In my case, I have to save my time off because the new company doesn't offer maternity leave. I've mentioned this before, so understand how much this bothers me. I go from being guaranteed 13 weeks pay---full pay-- while I'm out of work caring for Karter to 13 weeks off...4 weeks pay at just 60% of my salary, which was also cut. Anyway, to dip into my vacation time is to dip into the PTO that will save me during the 2 weeks I have to wait for the short term disability to pay me. *SIGH* ...*SIGH* again....
I know I'm better than this place. I have a degree from a 4-year university, a damn near ivy league institution! Yet, I'm stuck. Bound to a phone 8 hours a day. Watching my "utilization" on the dialer so I'm sure to be on the phones to hear the numerous complainers who want to blame me for a new company handling their car note. Well, I have a new company dictating my life and I have to deal with it. I told this one client that I don't sympathize with him because he didn't get a statement. I don't get a statement for a few of my bills and I still manage to pay them on time; "I don't get paid maternity leave now that we've converted, sir. Now what can I help you with?" was my answer to him. Yea, that's totally against a proper call model at a call center, but I was fed up. I'm even more fed up that I have to spend more time there. I cried all the way to work. The entire 45 minute drive here today---late at that---I broke down. Praise God I got here safely. I'm just annoyed to have to travel that far to a place I loathe. A place that barely has a functional HR department. I know the extra time I may have to work won't be much, but it's going to seem like years unless Karter comes early. The soonest we can talk about writing me out is when I reach 39 weeks and he's not here. Then, I can induce my labor. I don't want to do that anyway, so all I can do it wait---I'm 35 weeks and 3 days now. I thought I was strong enough for this. I'm driving up and down this road to make sure I can contribute to giving my family a comfortable start. Tony's working hard through it all, but I don't want him to do it alone. Man, I would have quit a long time ago, but I need the coverage and the pay. I don't want to struggle. I feel bad that it doesn't seem like I'm trusting God enough to carry me through. I'm worried about not finding a job while I'm on leave. Worried that I might punk out and go back to the job I hate because I'm scared we won't have a means to and end. I'm worried we won't have food while I can't bring in the extra income. Concerns, concerns, concerns...that's all I have. I just want to enjoy anticipating the birth of my son, but I can't. Am I exaggerating? Could this depression I think I'm feeling be hormones? I don't know world....
This is Flyy Preggo OUT!!
What kind of place takes over a new portfolio from a fairly large company more than halfway throughout the year. And without warning to its new clients, no less? Not a courtesy letter or statement was sent out as the change from one corp to another was under way. This caused so much confusion; every client I spoke to at that time complained about those two inconveniences, as well as a whole heap more. As we were converting from one bank to another, there were other issues with the customers' automatic drafts, lack of statements (to this day), multiple drafts from their bank accounts causing overdrafts, etc. My colleagues and I had a 3 day training to learn the new policies...managers and employees alike were thrown into this situation that is still a bit chaotic. No one knows what's going on, so when a client wants to talk to a manager, I always advise them my superior knows no more than I do. That's just a tip of the ice burg; I have other concerns. At the same time of learning a new company, I had to deal with switching my insurance company that had another, more steep deductible for me to meet all over again. I'm more than halfway through my pregnancy having to deal with this, mind you. We had to forfeit time off that was already requested and fight for the days all over again. In my case, I have to save my time off because the new company doesn't offer maternity leave. I've mentioned this before, so understand how much this bothers me. I go from being guaranteed 13 weeks pay---full pay-- while I'm out of work caring for Karter to 13 weeks off...4 weeks pay at just 60% of my salary, which was also cut. Anyway, to dip into my vacation time is to dip into the PTO that will save me during the 2 weeks I have to wait for the short term disability to pay me. *SIGH* ...*SIGH* again....
I know I'm better than this place. I have a degree from a 4-year university, a damn near ivy league institution! Yet, I'm stuck. Bound to a phone 8 hours a day. Watching my "utilization" on the dialer so I'm sure to be on the phones to hear the numerous complainers who want to blame me for a new company handling their car note. Well, I have a new company dictating my life and I have to deal with it. I told this one client that I don't sympathize with him because he didn't get a statement. I don't get a statement for a few of my bills and I still manage to pay them on time; "I don't get paid maternity leave now that we've converted, sir. Now what can I help you with?" was my answer to him. Yea, that's totally against a proper call model at a call center, but I was fed up. I'm even more fed up that I have to spend more time there. I cried all the way to work. The entire 45 minute drive here today---late at that---I broke down. Praise God I got here safely. I'm just annoyed to have to travel that far to a place I loathe. A place that barely has a functional HR department. I know the extra time I may have to work won't be much, but it's going to seem like years unless Karter comes early. The soonest we can talk about writing me out is when I reach 39 weeks and he's not here. Then, I can induce my labor. I don't want to do that anyway, so all I can do it wait---I'm 35 weeks and 3 days now. I thought I was strong enough for this. I'm driving up and down this road to make sure I can contribute to giving my family a comfortable start. Tony's working hard through it all, but I don't want him to do it alone. Man, I would have quit a long time ago, but I need the coverage and the pay. I don't want to struggle. I feel bad that it doesn't seem like I'm trusting God enough to carry me through. I'm worried about not finding a job while I'm on leave. Worried that I might punk out and go back to the job I hate because I'm scared we won't have a means to and end. I'm worried we won't have food while I can't bring in the extra income. Concerns, concerns, concerns...that's all I have. I just want to enjoy anticipating the birth of my son, but I can't. Am I exaggerating? Could this depression I think I'm feeling be hormones? I don't know world....
This is Flyy Preggo OUT!!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Can Really We Fix It?
I talked to my dad today. I was on my way home from work and something in my gut kept telling me to go ahead and make the phone call. Now, I'm a prideful person. I think this is what stopped me from calling a long time ago; well, that and the fact that every time I thought of the situation I got too pissed to even want to hear the man's voice! I also hesitated because I wondered if he would pick up the phone first. A large part of me thought he should. (If this is your first time tuning in to my blog, you may want to go back to the "Family Tree" entry; it's a precedent to this one). Anyway, I learned so much as I started to get back into church. I realized the "feeling in my gut" was just the Holy Spirit telling me to do the right thing. This spiritual conscience invaded my dreams several nights recently, causing me to lose sleep. That's how I knew I had to call. So, I dialed the number from my celly and started the initial conversation of our mending our relationship.
I won't really go into detail, mostly because I'm still trying to process it myself. But know this: it was a good talk. I was able to apologize for the way things were said on my part, but got to maintain my position. I got to explain some things that were on my heart. He did the same. Surprisingly, there were no raised voices. I'm proud of myself for not letting my emotions take me to a point where I couldn't convey my thoughts. Yelling gets you nowhere, guys...no matter how absolutely wonderful and fulfilling it may feel. We scratched the surface of a few issues that we face and decided to work on things on a pace I'm comfortable with. We admitted there were things said in the past that were hurtful on both sides. And up until today, I've always felt like the victim when the disagreement escalated. At least now I'm willing to see his side. I still feel the same way about most of the things and still feel like most of it was messed up. I'm just glad we're to a place where we can try to talk about it. That's all he's asked for apparently. We missed each other and hope to make things work. Without getting sappy, my lovely readers, I'll just say that I'm hoping for the best. No promises, I'm still vulnerable. I still have questions....
I got to tell him about Karter. Yes, he knew I was pregnant...he just hadn't heard it from me until today. That's another things that seemed to bother him. Now, I'm not hateful. I just didn't feel like we were on that level in our relationship anymore. Didn't think he cared. He cleared that up, though. Of course, he thought that was messed up. I still can't say I'm sorry for that. Look at the circumstances! If he didn't want to be a part of my life, I was OK with letting him stay out of it. I only assumed he wanted no part of my business because he never called! Now, he knows without a shadow of a doubt that he's going to be a grandfather. He told me congratulations and everything, but everyone says that lol. I wonder if he's excited. I wonder what his thoughts were when he knew his little girl was having her own child. I mean, was it crazy to get confirmation that I was having sex? Because if he didn't know/care/wouldn't accept it then, the baby in my belly is confirmation enough. haha. I really wish this could have gone down a different way. I really do love the guy, missed him too. But I don't want to have Karter involved in a dysfunctional family feud. As much as I want my son to know my dad, I'll be damned if he'll be exposed to a "sometimey" grandad because me and him can't get our crap together! You know, I've always asked myself why God gave us this wonderful miracle. Maybe He felt it was time for me and Daddy to fix things. Look at that...an epiphany on the spot. My son's already served a wonderful purpose:)
Stay Tuned,
This is Flyy Preggo OUT!!
I won't really go into detail, mostly because I'm still trying to process it myself. But know this: it was a good talk. I was able to apologize for the way things were said on my part, but got to maintain my position. I got to explain some things that were on my heart. He did the same. Surprisingly, there were no raised voices. I'm proud of myself for not letting my emotions take me to a point where I couldn't convey my thoughts. Yelling gets you nowhere, guys...no matter how absolutely wonderful and fulfilling it may feel. We scratched the surface of a few issues that we face and decided to work on things on a pace I'm comfortable with. We admitted there were things said in the past that were hurtful on both sides. And up until today, I've always felt like the victim when the disagreement escalated. At least now I'm willing to see his side. I still feel the same way about most of the things and still feel like most of it was messed up. I'm just glad we're to a place where we can try to talk about it. That's all he's asked for apparently. We missed each other and hope to make things work. Without getting sappy, my lovely readers, I'll just say that I'm hoping for the best. No promises, I'm still vulnerable. I still have questions....
I got to tell him about Karter. Yes, he knew I was pregnant...he just hadn't heard it from me until today. That's another things that seemed to bother him. Now, I'm not hateful. I just didn't feel like we were on that level in our relationship anymore. Didn't think he cared. He cleared that up, though. Of course, he thought that was messed up. I still can't say I'm sorry for that. Look at the circumstances! If he didn't want to be a part of my life, I was OK with letting him stay out of it. I only assumed he wanted no part of my business because he never called! Now, he knows without a shadow of a doubt that he's going to be a grandfather. He told me congratulations and everything, but everyone says that lol. I wonder if he's excited. I wonder what his thoughts were when he knew his little girl was having her own child. I mean, was it crazy to get confirmation that I was having sex? Because if he didn't know/care/wouldn't accept it then, the baby in my belly is confirmation enough. haha. I really wish this could have gone down a different way. I really do love the guy, missed him too. But I don't want to have Karter involved in a dysfunctional family feud. As much as I want my son to know my dad, I'll be damned if he'll be exposed to a "sometimey" grandad because me and him can't get our crap together! You know, I've always asked myself why God gave us this wonderful miracle. Maybe He felt it was time for me and Daddy to fix things. Look at that...an epiphany on the spot. My son's already served a wonderful purpose:)
Stay Tuned,
This is Flyy Preggo OUT!!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
In the homestretch...
I had an appointment today. It was my first one without Tony; he had to go to work:( It sucked because I had to get a shot today...in my butt cheek. I forget what it's called, but it's to protect Karter and me as our blood mixes. Since I'm a negative blood type, I had to get it to make sure we're healthy...at least that's how I understood it. I got to ask a lot of questions today. I had a lot of the things figured out since our last visit. I found a pediatrician, decided who will carry Karter on their insurance, and even got a brand new crib on the way from Tony's mom! So, I feel like I have a lot of things under control. But the truth is I'm deathly afraid...
Remember I told you I'm a planner to the core? I knew there would be a day when I realized that preparation just wouldn't be good enough. Giving birth is the most unpredictable event in life. I think that's the first thing that mortifies me. I don't know where I'm going to be or how it's going to feel when it all goes down. It's like waiting for Jesus to come back, man! What if I'm driving alone someplace and I'm hit with a contraction? Even worse, what if I'm at work and my water breaks? Now, recall that I work about and hour away from home. I plan to work until I can't anymore---only becuase of this acquisition I just underwent at work. The coverage sucks and there's no maternity leave. So needless to say, my plan is to work as close to the due date as possible so I can maximize my time out...at least I'm entitled to FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). Anyway, I'm thinking of other things like going to the bathroom and not even knowing the water broke and then getting up and seeing Karter swimming in the toilet! It's crazy, I know...I'm exaggerating. But the surprise of labor is the biggest issue I have with this whole thing. I tried to get an idea of what the contraction will feel like, but my doctor couldn't really explain. Maybe she didn't want to get into it because these things vary per woman. Maybe she didn't want to scare me. It's too late, though. I've heard horror stories more frequently lately. I think I have a sign on me that says: "PLEASE SHARE YOUR CHILDBIRTH EXPERIENCE WITH ME"; it must be invisible because I don't see this on my forehead when I look in the mirror every morning. Crazy...I mean, I don't care that you were ripped front to back and had to get staples because your baby was 13 pounds at birth. I don't care to hear that you were in labor for 3 days and THEN your doctor decided to give you a C-Section. I kid you not, guys. People love to talk to me about this stuff. I just grimace and listen to as much as I can. When the stories are done, they always end with "But he will be the best thing that ever happened to you". All I can think about it the unforgettable image they just gave me. I was also telling my doctor today that I don't have a clue how to deliver a kid; she just told me that most women don't their first time around. But I really meant that I'm nervous because I don't think I'll have time for a childbirthing class. I want to take one, desperately...it's all a part of "the plan". I hope to get into one, at least so it can ease my anxiety!
On top of it all, I'm getting tired of being pregnant. I love my son, but it's getting harder. I think I mentioned that I have been hit with the common ailments we pregnant women deal with. It seems like all mine came at the last minute. It's not fair! I can't eat like I want because all of my food stays in my chest...all due to my stomach shrinking. I have to shift positions several times a day to get comfortable, whether I'm sitting or sleeping or standing. I had the WORST charlie horse in my leg the other night and the leg cramps are becoming more frequent. Babycenter.com tells me I'm in the homestretch, being 30 weeks. I hope this time flies because my boobs are heavy too. I've always wanted them to be larger, lol...but I'm not into this anymore. It's not like I can go wear a sexy tee to show them off, right? Karter's so active, and I love it. Even though sometimes it hurts, at least by now I've figured out his cycle. And by him abusing my ribs, at least I know he's ok. I'm counting the days, guys...he'll be here soon and when he is I can go back to being normal again. I think I'll be able to bounce back, don't you? lol
THIS IS FLYY PREGGO, OUT!
Remember I told you I'm a planner to the core? I knew there would be a day when I realized that preparation just wouldn't be good enough. Giving birth is the most unpredictable event in life. I think that's the first thing that mortifies me. I don't know where I'm going to be or how it's going to feel when it all goes down. It's like waiting for Jesus to come back, man! What if I'm driving alone someplace and I'm hit with a contraction? Even worse, what if I'm at work and my water breaks? Now, recall that I work about and hour away from home. I plan to work until I can't anymore---only becuase of this acquisition I just underwent at work. The coverage sucks and there's no maternity leave. So needless to say, my plan is to work as close to the due date as possible so I can maximize my time out...at least I'm entitled to FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). Anyway, I'm thinking of other things like going to the bathroom and not even knowing the water broke and then getting up and seeing Karter swimming in the toilet! It's crazy, I know...I'm exaggerating. But the surprise of labor is the biggest issue I have with this whole thing. I tried to get an idea of what the contraction will feel like, but my doctor couldn't really explain. Maybe she didn't want to get into it because these things vary per woman. Maybe she didn't want to scare me. It's too late, though. I've heard horror stories more frequently lately. I think I have a sign on me that says: "PLEASE SHARE YOUR CHILDBIRTH EXPERIENCE WITH ME"; it must be invisible because I don't see this on my forehead when I look in the mirror every morning. Crazy...I mean, I don't care that you were ripped front to back and had to get staples because your baby was 13 pounds at birth. I don't care to hear that you were in labor for 3 days and THEN your doctor decided to give you a C-Section. I kid you not, guys. People love to talk to me about this stuff. I just grimace and listen to as much as I can. When the stories are done, they always end with "But he will be the best thing that ever happened to you". All I can think about it the unforgettable image they just gave me. I was also telling my doctor today that I don't have a clue how to deliver a kid; she just told me that most women don't their first time around. But I really meant that I'm nervous because I don't think I'll have time for a childbirthing class. I want to take one, desperately...it's all a part of "the plan". I hope to get into one, at least so it can ease my anxiety!
On top of it all, I'm getting tired of being pregnant. I love my son, but it's getting harder. I think I mentioned that I have been hit with the common ailments we pregnant women deal with. It seems like all mine came at the last minute. It's not fair! I can't eat like I want because all of my food stays in my chest...all due to my stomach shrinking. I have to shift positions several times a day to get comfortable, whether I'm sitting or sleeping or standing. I had the WORST charlie horse in my leg the other night and the leg cramps are becoming more frequent. Babycenter.com tells me I'm in the homestretch, being 30 weeks. I hope this time flies because my boobs are heavy too. I've always wanted them to be larger, lol...but I'm not into this anymore. It's not like I can go wear a sexy tee to show them off, right? Karter's so active, and I love it. Even though sometimes it hurts, at least by now I've figured out his cycle. And by him abusing my ribs, at least I know he's ok. I'm counting the days, guys...he'll be here soon and when he is I can go back to being normal again. I think I'll be able to bounce back, don't you? lol
THIS IS FLYY PREGGO, OUT!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
CATCHING UP...
So, it's been a while folks, but I'm busy with life---lol. I think my last entry, I got emotional while writing the letter to the unborn Karter! But a lot has happened since then; I don't even know where to begin...
I started a new journey in my life: living with my boyfriend of 4 years! Yea, we finally did it and now we're sharing a lease. We rented a cozy duplex in my hometown of Columbia, SC and I couldn't be happier to be home. It was a long road to get here---my credit's pretty jacked, so it took us until right before my last lease was up to be approved. But I've made a goal for myself to get that together. That way I can buy a home and Jr. can have a yard to play in by the time he's able to run around! I was stressing so much about bringing my family together that I hardly ate. I felt like a horrible mother for starving my child, but he's fine; that was me being extra:) But really, I lost sleep and was on edge constantly. I couldn't understand why all of my efforts weren't paying off. Just when I gave it to God, things started rolling smoothly. We got the place and had the resources for me to relocate! Now that I'm here, the main concern is the list of things I have to do to prepare for my son.
At my last doctor's visit, we were told that I was halfway at that point. I have so much to do since I'm now 6 mos in this game! She brought to my attention that we have to think about if we want Karter circumcised (yes); what he will wear home from the hospital ( when I thought a onsie would be provided!); where he will go for check ups ( I don't know any pediatricians here, well--at all); who will carry him on their insurance---me or Tony? I mean this list is extensive and I'm a planner to the core, so this has to go perfectly. I am even considering natural child birth, although it's something I fear worse than death! I just understand it's faster than using medication and I'm all for gettin in and getting him out. I seriously need someone to put a check list together though, because I'm going insane.
On top of all of this, I'm finally starting to feel the ailments most pregnancies bring about. It's been smooth sailing for more than halfway through! But lately I'm feeling the extra fatigue (which isn't improving since I commute about 45 minutes to work each day), lower back pain, and SWOLLEN FEET:( I don't have ankles anymore, guys and it totally hurts to stand up now. I'm already an emotional person, but I'm feeling hormonal lately. I cried when Tony bit me the other day and we were just playing! *SIGH* And speaking of this beautiful man I love, don't you know I get no mercy when I complain about my aching body?? It's unheard of to me that he wants to "build character" for Karter via my uncomfort. I love him, but I'm going to be needing nightly foot rubs soon---no joke. I guess that I should be thankful that he's a good roommate. I'll just take the cooking and cleaning he does, for now:) Remember when I thought I'd be wearing pumps til I "can't no more", lol....well, I can't. I feel unproportioned/weird-looking when I laced up the strappys 2 weekends ago when we went to a movie. I miss them, but it doesn't matter. I can't fit the shoes I have now anyway. I even tried to go find some sensible shoes to wear as I was shopping for MATERNITY CLOTHES!! Yea, that's another thing I said I wouldn't do. Alas, Mother Nature gave me no choice in the matter. I bought these pants with the huge band that covers my tummy---they make me hot; the other pair I bought have this itchy elastic on them. I had to get a size bigger to give me room to grow, so now they sag:( It's terrible...
I don't have to deal with these issues for long, so I'm not trippin. I'm just thankful for the miracle God's given me and Tony. We can't wait until he arrives, then the real fun will begin right? YAY:)
This is FLYY PREGGO, OUT!!
I started a new journey in my life: living with my boyfriend of 4 years! Yea, we finally did it and now we're sharing a lease. We rented a cozy duplex in my hometown of Columbia, SC and I couldn't be happier to be home. It was a long road to get here---my credit's pretty jacked, so it took us until right before my last lease was up to be approved. But I've made a goal for myself to get that together. That way I can buy a home and Jr. can have a yard to play in by the time he's able to run around! I was stressing so much about bringing my family together that I hardly ate. I felt like a horrible mother for starving my child, but he's fine; that was me being extra:) But really, I lost sleep and was on edge constantly. I couldn't understand why all of my efforts weren't paying off. Just when I gave it to God, things started rolling smoothly. We got the place and had the resources for me to relocate! Now that I'm here, the main concern is the list of things I have to do to prepare for my son.
At my last doctor's visit, we were told that I was halfway at that point. I have so much to do since I'm now 6 mos in this game! She brought to my attention that we have to think about if we want Karter circumcised (yes); what he will wear home from the hospital ( when I thought a onsie would be provided!); where he will go for check ups ( I don't know any pediatricians here, well--at all); who will carry him on their insurance---me or Tony? I mean this list is extensive and I'm a planner to the core, so this has to go perfectly. I am even considering natural child birth, although it's something I fear worse than death! I just understand it's faster than using medication and I'm all for gettin in and getting him out. I seriously need someone to put a check list together though, because I'm going insane.
On top of all of this, I'm finally starting to feel the ailments most pregnancies bring about. It's been smooth sailing for more than halfway through! But lately I'm feeling the extra fatigue (which isn't improving since I commute about 45 minutes to work each day), lower back pain, and SWOLLEN FEET:( I don't have ankles anymore, guys and it totally hurts to stand up now. I'm already an emotional person, but I'm feeling hormonal lately. I cried when Tony bit me the other day and we were just playing! *SIGH* And speaking of this beautiful man I love, don't you know I get no mercy when I complain about my aching body?? It's unheard of to me that he wants to "build character" for Karter via my uncomfort. I love him, but I'm going to be needing nightly foot rubs soon---no joke. I guess that I should be thankful that he's a good roommate. I'll just take the cooking and cleaning he does, for now:) Remember when I thought I'd be wearing pumps til I "can't no more", lol....well, I can't. I feel unproportioned/weird-looking when I laced up the strappys 2 weekends ago when we went to a movie. I miss them, but it doesn't matter. I can't fit the shoes I have now anyway. I even tried to go find some sensible shoes to wear as I was shopping for MATERNITY CLOTHES!! Yea, that's another thing I said I wouldn't do. Alas, Mother Nature gave me no choice in the matter. I bought these pants with the huge band that covers my tummy---they make me hot; the other pair I bought have this itchy elastic on them. I had to get a size bigger to give me room to grow, so now they sag:( It's terrible...
I don't have to deal with these issues for long, so I'm not trippin. I'm just thankful for the miracle God's given me and Tony. We can't wait until he arrives, then the real fun will begin right? YAY:)
This is FLYY PREGGO, OUT!!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Letter to Jr...
Dear Junior,
It's been about four months since I found out about you. And when I did, let me say it threw me and your daddy for a small loop. But we were happy, nonetheless. The first thing I couldn't wait to find out about you is what your sex is...were you going to be a girl or a boy? So, we waited through all those boring doctor visits where they let us ask questions and told us what I shouldn't eat to hurt you and all of that. The highlight up until today was hearing your heartbeat every month and seeing you when you were the size of a little pea...
But today, we saw how much you've grown. Your grandma, uncle, and godmother were there and it was their first time seeing you do anything. The first shot of you was you chillin, it's what you do best:) I saw that you have all of your bones; you have your hands and feet. Your little legs look so cute. I think you're going to have your daddy's head and nose. You're brain is shaping up to be a genius like you're mommy:) Just when I thought about how lonely you must be in there, we all got to watch you play with your feet. You're a flexible little something! We saw you opening and closing your little mouth. The tech says you're swallowing the fluid around you, but she says it's ok. I didn't realize you do so much in there. The most exciting part was finally finding out that you're going to be a little man! You should have seen Daddy's face when we saw your private parts (the tech called it outdoor plumbing, lol). He smiled the whole time, didn't say much though. Knowing you're daddy though, I could tell he is happy. You'll learn that he's not a man of many words and if you turn out that way, it's ok. Sometimes it's better to say less. Regardless, you'll be a nice mixture of the two of us. Hopefully we'll raise you to know when to speak....I'm working on that too. So, by the time you get here I'll be able to lead by example:)
Daddy and I are already working together to figure out how we'll raise you. Now that we know you're a boy, he's got some plans for you. Whatever it is, remember he still loves you. It just that he wants you to grow up to be a strong man! Personally, I can't wait to see you run your first touchdown or shoot the first winning goal on the basketball court. But, remember I don't mind if you want to join the band or become an artist. You can do anything you want to do, Karter. Oh, and that's your name. It took a while to finally name you, but that goes to show you that me and your daddy are growing. We're working hard to make sure your arrival is seamless and that you will have everything you need. But bare with us, we're still trying to make sure we have the basics down. By the time you get here, we'll know how to change you, burp you, feed you. I'll even have baby CPR down; that's just in case you choke on something you have no business putting in your mouth!
After seeing you today, I totally forgot how sometimes I get frustrated that I can't fit my clothes or any other small thing that comes with carrying you. But I'll remember this day for the rest of my life and I know this is the first of many times you'll make me and your daddy smile. We can't wait to meet you! And now, I feel you kicking so I'm going to get us something good to eat.
Love,
Mommy...
It's been about four months since I found out about you. And when I did, let me say it threw me and your daddy for a small loop. But we were happy, nonetheless. The first thing I couldn't wait to find out about you is what your sex is...were you going to be a girl or a boy? So, we waited through all those boring doctor visits where they let us ask questions and told us what I shouldn't eat to hurt you and all of that. The highlight up until today was hearing your heartbeat every month and seeing you when you were the size of a little pea...
But today, we saw how much you've grown. Your grandma, uncle, and godmother were there and it was their first time seeing you do anything. The first shot of you was you chillin, it's what you do best:) I saw that you have all of your bones; you have your hands and feet. Your little legs look so cute. I think you're going to have your daddy's head and nose. You're brain is shaping up to be a genius like you're mommy:) Just when I thought about how lonely you must be in there, we all got to watch you play with your feet. You're a flexible little something! We saw you opening and closing your little mouth. The tech says you're swallowing the fluid around you, but she says it's ok. I didn't realize you do so much in there. The most exciting part was finally finding out that you're going to be a little man! You should have seen Daddy's face when we saw your private parts (the tech called it outdoor plumbing, lol). He smiled the whole time, didn't say much though. Knowing you're daddy though, I could tell he is happy. You'll learn that he's not a man of many words and if you turn out that way, it's ok. Sometimes it's better to say less. Regardless, you'll be a nice mixture of the two of us. Hopefully we'll raise you to know when to speak....I'm working on that too. So, by the time you get here I'll be able to lead by example:)
Daddy and I are already working together to figure out how we'll raise you. Now that we know you're a boy, he's got some plans for you. Whatever it is, remember he still loves you. It just that he wants you to grow up to be a strong man! Personally, I can't wait to see you run your first touchdown or shoot the first winning goal on the basketball court. But, remember I don't mind if you want to join the band or become an artist. You can do anything you want to do, Karter. Oh, and that's your name. It took a while to finally name you, but that goes to show you that me and your daddy are growing. We're working hard to make sure your arrival is seamless and that you will have everything you need. But bare with us, we're still trying to make sure we have the basics down. By the time you get here, we'll know how to change you, burp you, feed you. I'll even have baby CPR down; that's just in case you choke on something you have no business putting in your mouth!
After seeing you today, I totally forgot how sometimes I get frustrated that I can't fit my clothes or any other small thing that comes with carrying you. But I'll remember this day for the rest of my life and I know this is the first of many times you'll make me and your daddy smile. We can't wait to meet you! And now, I feel you kicking so I'm going to get us something good to eat.
Love,
Mommy...
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Showers and Shopping...
I went to a baby shower for one of my sorority sisters last weekend (shout out to the Lennons! and baby Gabby:)). It was really nice; the setting was a restaurant in Charlotte, NC. As guests, we sat in a quaint section at the rear of the establishment with good food and conversation; lovely parting gifts awaited us at our seats. It was really classy, of course I expect nothing less from this particular mom-to-be! Of course throughout, we played fun games...you know the kind where you can't say the word "baby" or you lose your clothes pin? Or the one where we have to unscramble baby-related words. We even had to guess how many peanut M&Ms were in this huge bottle. It was cute---although I didn't win a thing, lol. My favorite part of the shower came: gift time! I always love to see what the new moms are getting for the kids. And Danny (my soror) cleaned up. She now has a myriad of childrens' books, just like she wanted. She got clothes, diapers, hair bows, bath tubs, bibs (organic ones!), wash cloths, teething rings, toys, lullabys, bouncers...I really can't remember everything! And for the mom, breast feeding necessities and a lovely Tiffany's necklace from her husband (I know, really thoughtful right?). It was a fun time, celebrating a new addition to the family. And it got me to thinking about my shower...
I've been pondering the kind of event I want this to be. Should it be a party? Because I thought it may be fun to just have a co-ed shower, get some music and someone to man the grill. Or should it be small and quiet with the ones who are closest to me? Then at least I know people aren't coming just to be nosey, lol. You really just want those who care to help you celebrate. Should I invite Tony? Will he even want to come? Well, he's coming anyway! But I'm not the one planning this little party. Thanks to my best friend, Michele, I don't have to worry about anything but the guest list and looking cute on the day of. I want to accommodate everyone, so I'm thinking sorors are invited, friends, coworkers, family, etc. I'm looking forward to fellowshiping and celebrating...so you're all invited! lol. The other fun part is registering!
Now, I've helped register for baby items with one of my other sorority sisters. It took us about 2.5 hours to get thru the entire store, Buy Buy Baby. It's huge; imagine Bed Bath and Beyond(BBBaby's sister store), but with baby stuff wall to wall! I mean, its different "rooms" range from feeding to toys to furniture to bath to travel. You name it they've got it. And the sales associates tell you when you create a registry to go crazy with the scan gun...we sure did! I saw things in there I wouldn't even think of. The funniest thing was some little triangular cloths just big enough for a baby boy's johnson, if you know what I mean. They come about 5 in a pack, called "Pee Pee Tee Pees". So cute, kind of weird that someone would think of a small shield for the uncontrollable urine as you change your son. Then, we got to the mattress section. We ran into one of the sales associates who knew anything and everything about bedding and such. She was like the Bubba Gump of sleep items for babies. I learned soooo much about mattresses---whether the mattress is made of springs or foam; the different sizes that may or may not grow with the child; the cribs and beds that fit the mattress, which also have to fit the baby. She told us to consider the allergens that may be present in the mattress alone and within the thread counts of sheets. I mean, she went on for a good 45 minutes about this stuff. I just stood there and thought about how much it costs to keep up with all of this when the kid grows. When I was coming up, I'm sure my parents didn't think of these things---my brother and I turned out fine! I digress. I'm thinking of the things I don't want to look stupid for. The things you may look at me crazy for when you go pick up Jr.'s gifts, lol. Just don't judge me for the 50 page registry, lol. This is just another fun-filled part of being pregnant:)
Tony's homegirl plans to throw him a "man -shower". I've never heard of anything like it. All we know is that it'll involve cognac and cigars--no, Tony doesn't smoke...but I find it another opportunity to rack up on diapers! lol. All of these plans have to wait of course; Jr.'s sex will be discovered next month, so stay tuned. In the meantime, you can buy a pack of denim diapers like my homie Afton already did! lol
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!
I've been pondering the kind of event I want this to be. Should it be a party? Because I thought it may be fun to just have a co-ed shower, get some music and someone to man the grill. Or should it be small and quiet with the ones who are closest to me? Then at least I know people aren't coming just to be nosey, lol. You really just want those who care to help you celebrate. Should I invite Tony? Will he even want to come? Well, he's coming anyway! But I'm not the one planning this little party. Thanks to my best friend, Michele, I don't have to worry about anything but the guest list and looking cute on the day of. I want to accommodate everyone, so I'm thinking sorors are invited, friends, coworkers, family, etc. I'm looking forward to fellowshiping and celebrating...so you're all invited! lol. The other fun part is registering!
Now, I've helped register for baby items with one of my other sorority sisters. It took us about 2.5 hours to get thru the entire store, Buy Buy Baby. It's huge; imagine Bed Bath and Beyond(BBBaby's sister store), but with baby stuff wall to wall! I mean, its different "rooms" range from feeding to toys to furniture to bath to travel. You name it they've got it. And the sales associates tell you when you create a registry to go crazy with the scan gun...we sure did! I saw things in there I wouldn't even think of. The funniest thing was some little triangular cloths just big enough for a baby boy's johnson, if you know what I mean. They come about 5 in a pack, called "Pee Pee Tee Pees". So cute, kind of weird that someone would think of a small shield for the uncontrollable urine as you change your son. Then, we got to the mattress section. We ran into one of the sales associates who knew anything and everything about bedding and such. She was like the Bubba Gump of sleep items for babies. I learned soooo much about mattresses---whether the mattress is made of springs or foam; the different sizes that may or may not grow with the child; the cribs and beds that fit the mattress, which also have to fit the baby. She told us to consider the allergens that may be present in the mattress alone and within the thread counts of sheets. I mean, she went on for a good 45 minutes about this stuff. I just stood there and thought about how much it costs to keep up with all of this when the kid grows. When I was coming up, I'm sure my parents didn't think of these things---my brother and I turned out fine! I digress. I'm thinking of the things I don't want to look stupid for. The things you may look at me crazy for when you go pick up Jr.'s gifts, lol. Just don't judge me for the 50 page registry, lol. This is just another fun-filled part of being pregnant:)
Tony's homegirl plans to throw him a "man -shower". I've never heard of anything like it. All we know is that it'll involve cognac and cigars--no, Tony doesn't smoke...but I find it another opportunity to rack up on diapers! lol. All of these plans have to wait of course; Jr.'s sex will be discovered next month, so stay tuned. In the meantime, you can buy a pack of denim diapers like my homie Afton already did! lol
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Just what I was Feeling at the Time...
I don't really have anything particular to talk about this entry. I just want to vent about my day. And I don't really blame Jr. for this, so please don't take it that way:)
I woke up this morning drained of pretty much all energy. I've been feeling that way lately. I'll try to go to bed early to make sure that I am ready to take on the day's tasks. I eat breakfast now because I'm feeding more than me. I take naps during my lunch breaks (advantages of working from home). And I hate to admit that I snack on candy in lou of an energy drink as an attempt to stay awake. None of these methods work. I thought that I may be out of the phase where I'm always tired. I've read that life should be easier now that I'm in my second trimester. "They" say most women feel at their best during this time. But maybe it works backwards for me. I didn't have morning sickness, I didn't have constipation, I didn't miss any work---it's been smooth sailing my entire pregnancy so far. But the transition into the fourth month has been hard. And, I can't blame Jr...at all. I would say the only thing that I can credit my bad mood today is the stress of whether I was going to keep my job(thankfully, I am...long story and as I am not the authorized spokesperson for the recent turn of events at my job, you won't hear it from me lol). This inner struggle of whether I should/can relocate to bring my family together is also taking its toll. Finding a job at home is coming together, but it's not as seamless as I'd like it. There are just soooo many things I'm faced with currently. Instead of taking joy in the fact that Jr.'s starting to move(which hurts by the way) and how I'll decorate my new place with Tony, I have to deal with small doubts and another major decision...
Bringing this back to the baby, Tony and I have a prenatal appointment Monday. I'll be 16 weeks by then and the doctor wants to discuss the amniocentisis test. It's a procedure they do to determine any birth defects Jr. may have like down syndrome, spinal bifida, or trisomy 18(another form of down syndrome). The fact that there could be anything that may cause my child to have a hard life is truly nerve wrecking. I don't know how I would handle the news if something did come back positive for this test. Some women get the CVS test, which is done for the same reason in the first trimester. Doing it this early gives those women time to decide if they want to abort...I know right! The decisions we women must make are tough! To add even more concern, the test itself can cause a miscarraige! I believe my doctor does it in the second trimester bc it's "safer", but what do they know? I have been doing research online to see how the amniocentisis is done and it doesn't sound fun at all. Mind you, I'll take a needle in the belly or in my girly parts for Jr. But I don't want to do anything that would harm him or her... So far, I'm against taking the test and Tony supports me in whatever. I told myself that knowing that these complications didn't run in mine or Tony's family is enough information and confirmation for me not to go through with it. But after talking to friends who were in my position once, I am a little on the fence. It would make sense to get this done so I can just know, right? So I can enjoy the rest of the pregnancy by playing with Jr. as he or she kicks me; finally finding out what Jr. really is(I know the sex Aug. 16TH); being able to buy things for Jr. and talk about a baby shower theme. If the test were to go another way, I would be worried about researching the illness and getting a head start on getting the best child care---school care even for my special needs child! It's a lot to think about on top of this transition into a new chapter into my life. It's a lot to deal with during a possible relocation. It's just a lot...almost too much. Everything seems to be weighing down on me because of the major choices I must make all at one time; but I know I can't let it stress me out.
I've been going to church lately to find the peace I've been looking for. I've found it. I'm finally starting to live with a more positive outlook. It's so hard to do that, but I know God's got me. When I got back into church, I had to realize He never left me...I've always been favored. And I've always worried for no reason. So, I'll work harder on getting rid of the latter part of the equation. I'll continue to trust and believe that whatever happens is meant to. I'll know that no matter what happens, I'm strong enough to deal with it. In the meantime, I'll try to keep my negative moodswings in check because there's no real sense in me sulking. I have an awesome God who will pull me through and turn things around for me. Yea, I feel better getting this out even if you don't read it, lol
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!
I woke up this morning drained of pretty much all energy. I've been feeling that way lately. I'll try to go to bed early to make sure that I am ready to take on the day's tasks. I eat breakfast now because I'm feeding more than me. I take naps during my lunch breaks (advantages of working from home). And I hate to admit that I snack on candy in lou of an energy drink as an attempt to stay awake. None of these methods work. I thought that I may be out of the phase where I'm always tired. I've read that life should be easier now that I'm in my second trimester. "They" say most women feel at their best during this time. But maybe it works backwards for me. I didn't have morning sickness, I didn't have constipation, I didn't miss any work---it's been smooth sailing my entire pregnancy so far. But the transition into the fourth month has been hard. And, I can't blame Jr...at all. I would say the only thing that I can credit my bad mood today is the stress of whether I was going to keep my job(thankfully, I am...long story and as I am not the authorized spokesperson for the recent turn of events at my job, you won't hear it from me lol). This inner struggle of whether I should/can relocate to bring my family together is also taking its toll. Finding a job at home is coming together, but it's not as seamless as I'd like it. There are just soooo many things I'm faced with currently. Instead of taking joy in the fact that Jr.'s starting to move(which hurts by the way) and how I'll decorate my new place with Tony, I have to deal with small doubts and another major decision...
Bringing this back to the baby, Tony and I have a prenatal appointment Monday. I'll be 16 weeks by then and the doctor wants to discuss the amniocentisis test. It's a procedure they do to determine any birth defects Jr. may have like down syndrome, spinal bifida, or trisomy 18(another form of down syndrome). The fact that there could be anything that may cause my child to have a hard life is truly nerve wrecking. I don't know how I would handle the news if something did come back positive for this test. Some women get the CVS test, which is done for the same reason in the first trimester. Doing it this early gives those women time to decide if they want to abort...I know right! The decisions we women must make are tough! To add even more concern, the test itself can cause a miscarraige! I believe my doctor does it in the second trimester bc it's "safer", but what do they know? I have been doing research online to see how the amniocentisis is done and it doesn't sound fun at all. Mind you, I'll take a needle in the belly or in my girly parts for Jr. But I don't want to do anything that would harm him or her... So far, I'm against taking the test and Tony supports me in whatever. I told myself that knowing that these complications didn't run in mine or Tony's family is enough information and confirmation for me not to go through with it. But after talking to friends who were in my position once, I am a little on the fence. It would make sense to get this done so I can just know, right? So I can enjoy the rest of the pregnancy by playing with Jr. as he or she kicks me; finally finding out what Jr. really is(I know the sex Aug. 16TH); being able to buy things for Jr. and talk about a baby shower theme. If the test were to go another way, I would be worried about researching the illness and getting a head start on getting the best child care---school care even for my special needs child! It's a lot to think about on top of this transition into a new chapter into my life. It's a lot to deal with during a possible relocation. It's just a lot...almost too much. Everything seems to be weighing down on me because of the major choices I must make all at one time; but I know I can't let it stress me out.
I've been going to church lately to find the peace I've been looking for. I've found it. I'm finally starting to live with a more positive outlook. It's so hard to do that, but I know God's got me. When I got back into church, I had to realize He never left me...I've always been favored. And I've always worried for no reason. So, I'll work harder on getting rid of the latter part of the equation. I'll continue to trust and believe that whatever happens is meant to. I'll know that no matter what happens, I'm strong enough to deal with it. In the meantime, I'll try to keep my negative moodswings in check because there's no real sense in me sulking. I have an awesome God who will pull me through and turn things around for me. Yea, I feel better getting this out even if you don't read it, lol
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Hangin' up the Dancin' Shoes...
This weekend, I went out with a few friends for a closer friend's bday. It was a two-night affair: drinking(for them), dancing, socializing---the usual components to a night of fellowshiping with the homies. Friday evening we went to Wet Willie's--a bar with awesome liquor slushie drinks of any flavor you can imagine. Of course, the night started with a bit of a pre-game at one of the girls' houses...it's tradition to take a few shots before going out because, recession or not, drinks at the bar are expensive! Almost immediately I'm deemed the designated driver for the night, which I didn't mind so much---we're over those days of drinking ourselves into an oblivion, to the point where we can't withstand the 4-inch heels we love so much. So it wasn't like I was babysitting. Comes with age, I suppose. We've never been ones to be sloppy anyway. At any rate, the outting was nice. When we got to the bar, I saw friends I haven't seen in a while, we joked and we laughed over my virgin drink. What's even funnier is that a little cutie came up to me; I watched him get his swag right before he approached me: "You got a man?" he asks. "Yes, I do actually," I respond. "Well, can I give you my number?" "Sir, I don't even want to beat around the bush, I'm pregnant. I'm only telling you so you don't persist when I tell you no," I say. It's funny how I get all proper, huh? Anyway, with that, the guy shakes my hand and tells me that he appreciates me for telling him so he doesn't get caught up. He even went so far as to claim that he wishes I was his girl because I'm "holding it down for my man," lol...guess that's a guy's dream. I'm not going to lie, being approached gave me a boost of confidence because I felt fat and my feet hurt and my baby acne isn't all the way under control. Call me shallow...every woman needs that sometimes, to know she's still got it! lol.
The next night we went to dinner in uptown Charlotte. It was a really nice establishment called Mez. The menu consisted of everything from crab cakes to fillet Mignon. Of course there was a pretty extensive wine selection also. And it smelled so good on everyone's breath. There were bottles at the table and I wanted to partake, but I know I have a greater responsibility...it wasn't an itch to drink---like an alchy. It was a desire to be fully involved with the social drinking swirling around me. I don't know...it's a fine line I guess. The same feeling came back when we went to wind down at a lounge called Cosmo's. They have the best martinis I've ever had. I had to fight my natural instinct order my usual $8 Flirtini and laugh with the rest of them. But I had to watch my bestie order the new cherry limade martini without trying a sip myself. Now, I'm not saying all of this to express some sort of regret for making the decision to carry Jr. My child's life is very precious to me and I take it seriously enough not to even try red wine---which I read pregnant woman CAN drink. I only want to acknowledge that this time out with my friends was a milestone/realization/wake-up call for me.
I'm at the end of my first trimester. I said I'd wear my 4-inches as long as I can fit my dainty feet into the strappy summer sandals. And I said I'd go out as long as I can fit into my Little Black Dress without showing how much Jr. has extended my waist line. But the truth is, I'm already slowing down! I was out with the homies and didn't really get to have the fun I used to because I was so sleepy (mind you, I took a looonnggg nap before we stepped out). I was stressing about how much I have in my bank account before I splurged on a meal that I knew I wouldn't finish. I'm growing tired of the feeling that I have to pee every 2 minutes---then holding it because I don't feel like walking to the ladies' room. As everyone snapped photos and sipped on their wine, all I thought about was how I'm 13 weeks and Jr. has fingerprints now. Then I marveled at the fact that Jr. is going to start to pick up weight faster now, so I can finally begin to feel the kicks on a regular basis. I thought about how I should have done my laundry so I didn't have to wear such a short get up, the only clean item in my closet. Let's face it: an LBD on me now-a-days isn't as comfortable to wear when it keeps riding up my leg because of a small belly and a previously existing, rather round behind;) I hated that I was asked continuously if I'm OK because I make a funny face. Or if I can walk a certain distance and handle standing a certain period of time. My feet would hurt in my Aldo strappys before I was pregnant; I wouldn't want to walk 3 blocks before Jr. got here! I had to tell my pal that I'm not handicapped, just carrying life and we're fine. I cringe thinking of the coming months when this concern for my condition becomes more present, when I'm catered to by people who barely know me because they'll assume I won't be able to lift a glass to my mouth for a swig of water. Then there are those people who want to rub the belly---Lord! I used to be one of those people and now it's coming back to bite me. It just makes me feel uncomfortable when I'm put on the spot for some of this foolishness. Now, I know this is all out of love; my homies are just concerned and I am after all the first to have a baby. So, they're trying to adjust as well...they include me in all activities as if nothing changed. I appreciate it, but I'm thinking it's time to hibernate from the nightlife for a while. I never wanted to be the one under my man all the time, but I'm not going to spend all my Saturday nights alone! I hope you're reading this Babe, lol. I'll have to miss some of the summer shindigs and fall affairs. By the winter, I'll be immersed in decorating Jr.'s room; that's going to be a party in itself:) So when you miss me in the streets, just know I'd love to be running them with you. Be sure to invite me to your house for a plate of food the next day to tell me all about the crazy weekend! Understand, I'll be back when I'm comfortable enough to be in the party scene again...
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!
The next night we went to dinner in uptown Charlotte. It was a really nice establishment called Mez. The menu consisted of everything from crab cakes to fillet Mignon. Of course there was a pretty extensive wine selection also. And it smelled so good on everyone's breath. There were bottles at the table and I wanted to partake, but I know I have a greater responsibility...it wasn't an itch to drink---like an alchy. It was a desire to be fully involved with the social drinking swirling around me. I don't know...it's a fine line I guess. The same feeling came back when we went to wind down at a lounge called Cosmo's. They have the best martinis I've ever had. I had to fight my natural instinct order my usual $8 Flirtini and laugh with the rest of them. But I had to watch my bestie order the new cherry limade martini without trying a sip myself. Now, I'm not saying all of this to express some sort of regret for making the decision to carry Jr. My child's life is very precious to me and I take it seriously enough not to even try red wine---which I read pregnant woman CAN drink. I only want to acknowledge that this time out with my friends was a milestone/realization/wake-up call for me.
I'm at the end of my first trimester. I said I'd wear my 4-inches as long as I can fit my dainty feet into the strappy summer sandals. And I said I'd go out as long as I can fit into my Little Black Dress without showing how much Jr. has extended my waist line. But the truth is, I'm already slowing down! I was out with the homies and didn't really get to have the fun I used to because I was so sleepy (mind you, I took a looonnggg nap before we stepped out). I was stressing about how much I have in my bank account before I splurged on a meal that I knew I wouldn't finish. I'm growing tired of the feeling that I have to pee every 2 minutes---then holding it because I don't feel like walking to the ladies' room. As everyone snapped photos and sipped on their wine, all I thought about was how I'm 13 weeks and Jr. has fingerprints now. Then I marveled at the fact that Jr. is going to start to pick up weight faster now, so I can finally begin to feel the kicks on a regular basis. I thought about how I should have done my laundry so I didn't have to wear such a short get up, the only clean item in my closet. Let's face it: an LBD on me now-a-days isn't as comfortable to wear when it keeps riding up my leg because of a small belly and a previously existing, rather round behind;) I hated that I was asked continuously if I'm OK because I make a funny face. Or if I can walk a certain distance and handle standing a certain period of time. My feet would hurt in my Aldo strappys before I was pregnant; I wouldn't want to walk 3 blocks before Jr. got here! I had to tell my pal that I'm not handicapped, just carrying life and we're fine. I cringe thinking of the coming months when this concern for my condition becomes more present, when I'm catered to by people who barely know me because they'll assume I won't be able to lift a glass to my mouth for a swig of water. Then there are those people who want to rub the belly---Lord! I used to be one of those people and now it's coming back to bite me. It just makes me feel uncomfortable when I'm put on the spot for some of this foolishness. Now, I know this is all out of love; my homies are just concerned and I am after all the first to have a baby. So, they're trying to adjust as well...they include me in all activities as if nothing changed. I appreciate it, but I'm thinking it's time to hibernate from the nightlife for a while. I never wanted to be the one under my man all the time, but I'm not going to spend all my Saturday nights alone! I hope you're reading this Babe, lol. I'll have to miss some of the summer shindigs and fall affairs. By the winter, I'll be immersed in decorating Jr.'s room; that's going to be a party in itself:) So when you miss me in the streets, just know I'd love to be running them with you. Be sure to invite me to your house for a plate of food the next day to tell me all about the crazy weekend! Understand, I'll be back when I'm comfortable enough to be in the party scene again...
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Money, Money, Money...
I need a financial advisor. I am admitting to the world that I have a spending problem. Never been good at keeping money in my pocket. For instance, I got paid last week and like every pay period, I wrote a list of the bills I pay mid month; I scratch off what I pay as I go. I made sure I paid my cable, Internet, and phone bill. I have a payment on this furniture set I bought for my room, I have my Citi student loan payment and depending on if I took care of the first half of my phone bill Verizon gets a piece of my check too. I'm good at paying all of my bills first at least...I thank God I have the money to pay my obligations, but then there is the rest of my money. I usually have a pretty good nest egg to get me through the two weeks until payday, so I'll buy groceries, maybe a new pump, an outfit to go with the pump. I used to buy drinks at the bar when I went out...then I'll buy the snacks after Tony gets us into the movies---and we go to the movies just about every weekend. I like to eat out, so that's another swipe of the card...get my drift? I have absolutely no discipline when it comes to money. So, despite the fact that I have this banging income for a single gal in America, I'm living paycheck to paycheck. I have the mentality that I shouldn't have money in between my pay periods, I spend it because I have it and I know my pockets will be replenished come the first or the fifteenth! It's ridiculous that I feel like I have to spend my money just because I have it. I have no idea where this comes from, guys. I even took the initiative to set up my payroll so that 10% of my checks go straight into a credit union I opened a savings account at. It works because each pay period my savings account increases by about $100; I've been doing this for a while now, actually, but only have like $66 in my savings right now. That's right folks...I dip in there too! My man is so much better at holding onto money than I am, so I went to him and asked him to help me save. I wanted to give him the money I put aside, but he says that I should do this on my own to be more responsible...I suppose he's right. I need help!
And what's more is that I can't bring Jr. into the world and continue to practice my bad spending habits. This is something I've known for a while: I've always told myself that I'd chill on buying useless things because I want to have the funds to spend on a nice wedding for me and my love; or for a beautiful brick home with a sun room, home office, and a nice yard; or to put towards a down payment on a sexy white range rover --- I'd call her Pearl;) Most importantly, I want to be able to pay for Jr.'s piano or ballet lessons; I want to make sure Jr. has the most stylish cleats for football practice and throwback Jordan's that will make the other kids jealous. Jr. should have a flourishing college fund, whether he or she wants to go to continue school or not...see? I want my child to have the very best. Something my parents couldn't really give me because they were so young when they had me--and yea, I turned out great but I just want the option to completely spoil my kid because he or she will be great too and totally deserve it! But I have a few things to get in order first.
Since I'm no financial genius I can only do what I know to help myself get this monkey off my back, lol. The first phase of my plan is to pay off as much of my debt that I can handle right now. The bulk of that is coming from Jr.---already! I have about 6 doctor bills that I've been keep tracking of so far. One bill alone includes charges for the office visit, the urine sample, the blood work, the paps test---oh! And that beautiful picture that you're so overjoyed to get because it allows you to see your child?? yea, the ultrasound...that by itself it $142---it's under the "my responsibility" tab on the explanation of benefits I got from my insurance company...*sigh* . The bills keep coming, I'm surprised they don't charge a sitting fee for allowing me to wait in the office or $50 for a handshake when I meet my doctor. They may as well charge me the gowns they make me wear when I have to undress from the waist down---Momma always said "aint nothin for free"! I at least want to get as much as I can under control so Tony and I aren't strapped when it comes to spending the real money.
The second part of the phase is to find an apartment to house our new family. We've looked at 5 different apartments together so far. They're all in our price range except one---of course this is the one with the elaborate fitness center, sizable pool, and movie theater! Some of the units even have the perfect space for me to set up my work at home office. Why we went to this place, I don't know but I fell in love with it straight away. The place is about $350 out of our agreed range, but it includes water, utilities, cable, and sewage--totally worth it. Seeing this place made me wonder: if I had my finances together, could we move in? I want to live in a comfortable neighborhood with great benefits and a playground for Jr., but I want to be able to afford pampers too! It was a wake up call for me, not just these particular apartments but looking for a place, in general. I'm going to have to be on a more strict budget, then. I can't have my kid (or me) wanting for anything. I know Tony's here to take care of us, but I can't be anything but a contributing part of our relationship. We're in this together and I guess a little birdie decided to tell me today that it's time to grow up...
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!!
And what's more is that I can't bring Jr. into the world and continue to practice my bad spending habits. This is something I've known for a while: I've always told myself that I'd chill on buying useless things because I want to have the funds to spend on a nice wedding for me and my love; or for a beautiful brick home with a sun room, home office, and a nice yard; or to put towards a down payment on a sexy white range rover --- I'd call her Pearl;) Most importantly, I want to be able to pay for Jr.'s piano or ballet lessons; I want to make sure Jr. has the most stylish cleats for football practice and throwback Jordan's that will make the other kids jealous. Jr. should have a flourishing college fund, whether he or she wants to go to continue school or not...see? I want my child to have the very best. Something my parents couldn't really give me because they were so young when they had me--and yea, I turned out great but I just want the option to completely spoil my kid because he or she will be great too and totally deserve it! But I have a few things to get in order first.
Since I'm no financial genius I can only do what I know to help myself get this monkey off my back, lol. The first phase of my plan is to pay off as much of my debt that I can handle right now. The bulk of that is coming from Jr.---already! I have about 6 doctor bills that I've been keep tracking of so far. One bill alone includes charges for the office visit, the urine sample, the blood work, the paps test---oh! And that beautiful picture that you're so overjoyed to get because it allows you to see your child?? yea, the ultrasound...that by itself it $142---it's under the "my responsibility" tab on the explanation of benefits I got from my insurance company...*sigh* . The bills keep coming, I'm surprised they don't charge a sitting fee for allowing me to wait in the office or $50 for a handshake when I meet my doctor. They may as well charge me the gowns they make me wear when I have to undress from the waist down---Momma always said "aint nothin for free"! I at least want to get as much as I can under control so Tony and I aren't strapped when it comes to spending the real money.
The second part of the phase is to find an apartment to house our new family. We've looked at 5 different apartments together so far. They're all in our price range except one---of course this is the one with the elaborate fitness center, sizable pool, and movie theater! Some of the units even have the perfect space for me to set up my work at home office. Why we went to this place, I don't know but I fell in love with it straight away. The place is about $350 out of our agreed range, but it includes water, utilities, cable, and sewage--totally worth it. Seeing this place made me wonder: if I had my finances together, could we move in? I want to live in a comfortable neighborhood with great benefits and a playground for Jr., but I want to be able to afford pampers too! It was a wake up call for me, not just these particular apartments but looking for a place, in general. I'm going to have to be on a more strict budget, then. I can't have my kid (or me) wanting for anything. I know Tony's here to take care of us, but I can't be anything but a contributing part of our relationship. We're in this together and I guess a little birdie decided to tell me today that it's time to grow up...
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
4 years ago today...
Four years ago today, almost to the hour, my boyfriend and I made our relationship official. He took me out to dinner at California Dreaming--it was 3 months that day we met. I had the shrimp, he had the chicken (I'm kidding, I don't remember, lol). I wasn't old enough to drink, so I had a coke...I'm sure of that! Sounds romantic, right? Well, I thought he would ask the "big question" there but the ambiance was all wrong. It was loud, the food wasn't that great, and I was cold. So anyway, Tony asked me to be his girl while we were watching The Wedding Crashers on DVD after dinner that night. It was cute and just right. We've been together ever since and I love him with everything I have. Through all of our trials, I'm growing and learning so much more about myself. It's crazy how different we are, though: I'm loud, he's not. I'm a planner, he says: "take it a day at a time, Babe". I can be pretty spastic, but he's so calm and patient. When I'm in one of my erratic states, Tony's consistency calms me down. I think that's what makes relationships work: you absolutely have to have more opposing qualities than not with your significant other.
The relationship hasn't been perfect, by any means. We've been making it work 70 miles apart. He's from home and I just never left the city I went to college in. This was a major issue when I was younger and thought I was going to die if we didn't breathe the same air! But now, I'm OK with not seeing him all the time, although I miss him when we're not together. The long distance took a toll a couple of times, we took "breaks" from being boyfriend-girlfriend. I guess the challenges got to us. But we never acted like we were broken up...I think the longest we went without talking was 4 days! Last year was our longest separation; we are recently back together and I guess we just missed each other so much we just had to make a baby;) Anyway, the time "without" him made me realize what I needed to work on for myself and vice versa. We're much better for each other now. Good thing too, we have a kid to raise! And this in itself raises concerns...
I plan to finally make that move back home to be with him and care for our son or daughter(wow, that's the first time I've said that to myself). We have already talked about moving in, actually we finalized our decision the weekend before I found out about Jr. !I'm excited to start this chapter together...I know we'll have a great future, but I never thought I would have to be worried about getting used to living with a man and getting used to raising a child all at once. I mean, we've been together long enough to know how we each live day to day. I know it bothers him when I brush my hair and leave it the shedding on the floor. He still hasn't learned to put the toilet seat down when he's done with his business. Those are just tiny issues. I'm worried about learning to cook more than spaghetti and fried chicken. Those meals are not going to be enough now that I'll see him a lot more---gotta master a few more dishes! I have to pick up after myself more (he hates when I leave clothes all over the floor in MY ROOM) because he's way more of a neat freak than I am. There are several other things we have to get used to about each other, which is common. We have to simultaneously mesh parenting styles as well. I love Disney, but Tony didn't grow up watching that. (Side rant: what kid hasn't seen all the Disney movies ever made??? So, that's something I'll introduce Jr. and Tony to when we go to Disney World...I just can't budge on that, lol). I'll be the more affectionate parent--Tony wants to spank; I think there are more effective ways to handle bad behavior (it's the psychologist in me). I want to breastfeed, he thought we were going to buy formula. We can't even agree on a baby name! This list goes on forever.
I'm working on getting out of being such a worry wart---it's my mid-year resolution. I'm confident that Tony will be an absolute great father. He's good with the kids I've seen him with, anyway lol. We have two personalities that will turn this kid into a strong, loving, organized, nonchalant, friendly, hardworking member of society. Who knew, 4 years ago that I'd be having your baby, Baby?? I love you, Happy 4 years today... ***thank you God for linking me to this wonderful man for at least another 18 years (haha)*** .
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!
The relationship hasn't been perfect, by any means. We've been making it work 70 miles apart. He's from home and I just never left the city I went to college in. This was a major issue when I was younger and thought I was going to die if we didn't breathe the same air! But now, I'm OK with not seeing him all the time, although I miss him when we're not together. The long distance took a toll a couple of times, we took "breaks" from being boyfriend-girlfriend. I guess the challenges got to us. But we never acted like we were broken up...I think the longest we went without talking was 4 days! Last year was our longest separation; we are recently back together and I guess we just missed each other so much we just had to make a baby;) Anyway, the time "without" him made me realize what I needed to work on for myself and vice versa. We're much better for each other now. Good thing too, we have a kid to raise! And this in itself raises concerns...
I plan to finally make that move back home to be with him and care for our son or daughter(wow, that's the first time I've said that to myself). We have already talked about moving in, actually we finalized our decision the weekend before I found out about Jr. !I'm excited to start this chapter together...I know we'll have a great future, but I never thought I would have to be worried about getting used to living with a man and getting used to raising a child all at once. I mean, we've been together long enough to know how we each live day to day. I know it bothers him when I brush my hair and leave it the shedding on the floor. He still hasn't learned to put the toilet seat down when he's done with his business. Those are just tiny issues. I'm worried about learning to cook more than spaghetti and fried chicken. Those meals are not going to be enough now that I'll see him a lot more---gotta master a few more dishes! I have to pick up after myself more (he hates when I leave clothes all over the floor in MY ROOM) because he's way more of a neat freak than I am. There are several other things we have to get used to about each other, which is common. We have to simultaneously mesh parenting styles as well. I love Disney, but Tony didn't grow up watching that. (Side rant: what kid hasn't seen all the Disney movies ever made??? So, that's something I'll introduce Jr. and Tony to when we go to Disney World...I just can't budge on that, lol). I'll be the more affectionate parent--Tony wants to spank; I think there are more effective ways to handle bad behavior (it's the psychologist in me). I want to breastfeed, he thought we were going to buy formula. We can't even agree on a baby name! This list goes on forever.
I'm working on getting out of being such a worry wart---it's my mid-year resolution. I'm confident that Tony will be an absolute great father. He's good with the kids I've seen him with, anyway lol. We have two personalities that will turn this kid into a strong, loving, organized, nonchalant, friendly, hardworking member of society. Who knew, 4 years ago that I'd be having your baby, Baby?? I love you, Happy 4 years today... ***thank you God for linking me to this wonderful man for at least another 18 years (haha)*** .
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
My Janky Spirituality
***************Lord please guide my hands as I write this entry, Amen*********************
I haven't been to church in years before today. The only reason I went was because it was a part of the itinerary for my sorority's weekend retreat---I was even a little hesitant about it then. And it's not because I'm a total heathen, it's just something about being in that setting that bothers me. For most of the time there, this morning, I couldn't concentrate on anything but how uncomfortable I was. It kind of hindered me from really learning anything. I almost forgot how to act in church, I barely wore the right thing! When do I stand up? Do I have to stand each time the pastor says? Do I have to clap? If I don't know the song, will this look bad? Don't get me wrong... I love God, I have a personal relationship with him and I feel like that's enough. I pray to Him everyday, I know he's the reason I'm where I am: my life's good overall and I know it's not because of me. I believe all the stories in the bible and plan to teach them to Jr.; I even plan to raise Jr. in the church like I was....so I guess I should get myself in check, huh? After studying the psyche in undergrad, I feel like I need to find the root of the problem I have and try to fix it. In keeping with the Freudian theory, I suppose it was some sort of traumatic event that kind of turned me off.
My brother and I grew up as the youth pastor's kids. You could find us at Vacation Bible School each summer. During the year we would be at Sunday school, bible study during the week, and church productions. And now that I'm thinking of it, it may have been my parent's separation that threw me. My mother is great and did her best as a single mom, in fact, both of my parents did a fair job of keeping normalcy for me and my brother. I think this may be the first time I'm admitting that I was probably mad at God for not keeping my family together(although, I'm older and understand why we are not now). It's a common case of how a broken home affects the kid--no real need to probe that issue. But when it was just me, Mommy, and my brother it was like I suddenly had an option: I didn't have to go to church each week. And I did most of the time, but eventually I just went for Christmas; then it was just for Good Friday; now I don't even go to church for Easter. I used to feel bad about it and it's even worse that I've come to live with it!
I don't want to raise my child in a home that isn't anointed with the Holy Spirit or blessed and highly favored and all that. I plan on making things right, but I feel like it would be so....what's the word? Forced? No...I mean, it would be totally sincere; I want Jr. to love God and know why they're here. But, I always thought I would do that when I was married and THEN had a kid. So, me and my nuclear family would stroll to church every Sunday to pay our tithes and be fed the Good Word. Am I going to continually blessed even though I'm planning to "live in sin" by September? Or will I be smiled upon because I'm trying to have a good family structure for my child? When I do start to go to church, will I feel guilty when the pastor preaches about the "right way to live". These are all true concerns of mine and I think instead of dealing with it, I just don't go to fellowship like we are taught to do. I would rather live without being judged for drinking (when I could) or cursing like a sailor or spending my offering money on a new weave...And I realize as I write this, I need to rebuke the devil for planting these excuses in me. I learned today at church that I need to empty myself of these cop-outs so I can be filled with the what God has to offer me. With the peace he can give me, maybe I won't be so stressed about my job, I could take complete joy in the miracle growing inside me instead of worrying about money and how I can afford it. I could have a positive outlook on my life, period. I worry so much about things and have no patience when it comes to a lot of instances. I'm sure if I give it to Him like I should, that would go away. But I'm only human and don't see this happening anytime soon. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I plan to get a hold on my janky spirituality, lol...I just have to take it one day at a time--for me and my baby.
Peace and Blessings....This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!
I haven't been to church in years before today. The only reason I went was because it was a part of the itinerary for my sorority's weekend retreat---I was even a little hesitant about it then. And it's not because I'm a total heathen, it's just something about being in that setting that bothers me. For most of the time there, this morning, I couldn't concentrate on anything but how uncomfortable I was. It kind of hindered me from really learning anything. I almost forgot how to act in church, I barely wore the right thing! When do I stand up? Do I have to stand each time the pastor says? Do I have to clap? If I don't know the song, will this look bad? Don't get me wrong... I love God, I have a personal relationship with him and I feel like that's enough. I pray to Him everyday, I know he's the reason I'm where I am: my life's good overall and I know it's not because of me. I believe all the stories in the bible and plan to teach them to Jr.; I even plan to raise Jr. in the church like I was....so I guess I should get myself in check, huh? After studying the psyche in undergrad, I feel like I need to find the root of the problem I have and try to fix it. In keeping with the Freudian theory, I suppose it was some sort of traumatic event that kind of turned me off.
My brother and I grew up as the youth pastor's kids. You could find us at Vacation Bible School each summer. During the year we would be at Sunday school, bible study during the week, and church productions. And now that I'm thinking of it, it may have been my parent's separation that threw me. My mother is great and did her best as a single mom, in fact, both of my parents did a fair job of keeping normalcy for me and my brother. I think this may be the first time I'm admitting that I was probably mad at God for not keeping my family together(although, I'm older and understand why we are not now). It's a common case of how a broken home affects the kid--no real need to probe that issue. But when it was just me, Mommy, and my brother it was like I suddenly had an option: I didn't have to go to church each week. And I did most of the time, but eventually I just went for Christmas; then it was just for Good Friday; now I don't even go to church for Easter. I used to feel bad about it and it's even worse that I've come to live with it!
I don't want to raise my child in a home that isn't anointed with the Holy Spirit or blessed and highly favored and all that. I plan on making things right, but I feel like it would be so....what's the word? Forced? No...I mean, it would be totally sincere; I want Jr. to love God and know why they're here. But, I always thought I would do that when I was married and THEN had a kid. So, me and my nuclear family would stroll to church every Sunday to pay our tithes and be fed the Good Word. Am I going to continually blessed even though I'm planning to "live in sin" by September? Or will I be smiled upon because I'm trying to have a good family structure for my child? When I do start to go to church, will I feel guilty when the pastor preaches about the "right way to live". These are all true concerns of mine and I think instead of dealing with it, I just don't go to fellowship like we are taught to do. I would rather live without being judged for drinking (when I could) or cursing like a sailor or spending my offering money on a new weave...And I realize as I write this, I need to rebuke the devil for planting these excuses in me. I learned today at church that I need to empty myself of these cop-outs so I can be filled with the what God has to offer me. With the peace he can give me, maybe I won't be so stressed about my job, I could take complete joy in the miracle growing inside me instead of worrying about money and how I can afford it. I could have a positive outlook on my life, period. I worry so much about things and have no patience when it comes to a lot of instances. I'm sure if I give it to Him like I should, that would go away. But I'm only human and don't see this happening anytime soon. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I plan to get a hold on my janky spirituality, lol...I just have to take it one day at a time--for me and my baby.
Peace and Blessings....This is Flyy Preggo, OUT!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Babycenter.com=my BFF
Ever since I've come to find out about Jr., I've joined a website called Babycenter.com (as recommended by my aunt,Hope, who is a new mommy herself). This place encompasses all sorts of information about things from your pregnancy (all 40 weeks) to what to do when the baby is here to how to parent the child from a toddler to a 9 year old! Hopefully by that age, I'll know what I'm doing lol. There also other fun things like recipes for new moms to feed a developing child, partnerships with companies that sell all sorts of baby products--and give coupons. You can find blogs and Q&A links. I even found this portion of the site that takes the horoscopes of the mom and dad to predict the parenting styles; and I got to see the kind of personality my baby Capricorn is going to have:)
My favorite part is the email I get each week the baby grows. They come straight to my phone every Saturday when Jr's a week older. At first, it wasn't so exciting...what's so great about reading on a tiny ball of cells? Or an alien looking thing with a tail and webbed hands and feet? When I was about 6 weeks things started to get pretty cool. The boo and I were able to hear the heartbeat at our first ultrasound and see the head, legs, and feet! But there still wasn't much action after that. Now, my love is the likeness of a real human, officially called a fetus in the 10th week! The fun can begin, because now Jr. will begin to double in size and then I'll be able to feel it kick! Can't wait for that. Jr. now has nails, hair, all its organs---wow...aint God great?! I can bore you about all the things I've learned, Lord knows I keep my nose in a pregnancy or a baby book. But I'll conclude this by letting you know I'm definitely going to keep you posted.
When you watch TV, you get the glamorous side of pregnancy: the cute maternity clothes(which I refuse to buy); the even cuter tummy; the glowing skin; the long beautiful locks I'm supposed to get. I watched on Tyra, I think, that my nails get stronger too. But when am I going to read about how to deal with the gas? What about the constipation? These things are not fun! Not to mention that I like to go out and socialize, yet haven't found the energy to even stay up and watch Family Guy at 11pm on Adult Swim! You know I love that show:) Anyway, there are some things I wish I was warned about---and I'm not talking about the nice way the books put it, with their P.C. advice as to how to handle flatulence. I wanna know what cream to use when my neck gets black! I want to know what to eat to make sure my uterus snaps back in less than a week after delivery! I actually read today that I shouldn't use certain creams just to stop the stretch marks! uh---why not? Me and the boo don't want to look at that forever, lol. I mean, can you put me under right after delivery for a tummy tuck? Just put me on another table and transfer me to the adjacent wing. And what about the foods the baby "doesn't like"? The books say that there will be certain things I won't have a taste for...this is a possible indication the baby isn't feeling it. One of my friends told me her son made her hate her favorite cereal---I haven't tried to eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch yet with the bun in the oven, but I'd be highly upset if he/she didn't like all that sugary goodness! I've already discovered Jr. hates green apples. I tried 2 days in a row to eat one, calling myself partaking in a healthy diet--not! It made me feel sick, like it was burning or something going down my throat...never happened before:( Needless to say, I had to scratch that off the list.
And you know what? the one thing that frustrates me the most is that I don't really have an appetite anymore. It's not just because my taste buds suddenly don't agree with me, either. I mean, I'll cook a whole meal: pork chops, mashed taters, corn---and eat one bite. That's not me! I was eating more like a pregnant woman BEFORE Jr...what sense does that make? It's been going on the last few weeks and I'm kind of concerned that I'm starving the poor chap. My man tells me not to be too hard on myself, but I can't help that I feel like a failure. Is that normal? I'll let you know when I talk to my doctor in 2 weeks...lol. But for now, I'll be boiling some crab legs for my weekly dose of seafood. Apparently I can't eat anything that's been in the water because of the mercury content, so we look forward to this!!
This is Flyy Preggo...OUT!
My favorite part is the email I get each week the baby grows. They come straight to my phone every Saturday when Jr's a week older. At first, it wasn't so exciting...what's so great about reading on a tiny ball of cells? Or an alien looking thing with a tail and webbed hands and feet? When I was about 6 weeks things started to get pretty cool. The boo and I were able to hear the heartbeat at our first ultrasound and see the head, legs, and feet! But there still wasn't much action after that. Now, my love is the likeness of a real human, officially called a fetus in the 10th week! The fun can begin, because now Jr. will begin to double in size and then I'll be able to feel it kick! Can't wait for that. Jr. now has nails, hair, all its organs---wow...aint God great?! I can bore you about all the things I've learned, Lord knows I keep my nose in a pregnancy or a baby book. But I'll conclude this by letting you know I'm definitely going to keep you posted.
When you watch TV, you get the glamorous side of pregnancy: the cute maternity clothes(which I refuse to buy); the even cuter tummy; the glowing skin; the long beautiful locks I'm supposed to get. I watched on Tyra, I think, that my nails get stronger too. But when am I going to read about how to deal with the gas? What about the constipation? These things are not fun! Not to mention that I like to go out and socialize, yet haven't found the energy to even stay up and watch Family Guy at 11pm on Adult Swim! You know I love that show:) Anyway, there are some things I wish I was warned about---and I'm not talking about the nice way the books put it, with their P.C. advice as to how to handle flatulence. I wanna know what cream to use when my neck gets black! I want to know what to eat to make sure my uterus snaps back in less than a week after delivery! I actually read today that I shouldn't use certain creams just to stop the stretch marks! uh---why not? Me and the boo don't want to look at that forever, lol. I mean, can you put me under right after delivery for a tummy tuck? Just put me on another table and transfer me to the adjacent wing. And what about the foods the baby "doesn't like"? The books say that there will be certain things I won't have a taste for...this is a possible indication the baby isn't feeling it. One of my friends told me her son made her hate her favorite cereal---I haven't tried to eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch yet with the bun in the oven, but I'd be highly upset if he/she didn't like all that sugary goodness! I've already discovered Jr. hates green apples. I tried 2 days in a row to eat one, calling myself partaking in a healthy diet--not! It made me feel sick, like it was burning or something going down my throat...never happened before:( Needless to say, I had to scratch that off the list.
And you know what? the one thing that frustrates me the most is that I don't really have an appetite anymore. It's not just because my taste buds suddenly don't agree with me, either. I mean, I'll cook a whole meal: pork chops, mashed taters, corn---and eat one bite. That's not me! I was eating more like a pregnant woman BEFORE Jr...what sense does that make? It's been going on the last few weeks and I'm kind of concerned that I'm starving the poor chap. My man tells me not to be too hard on myself, but I can't help that I feel like a failure. Is that normal? I'll let you know when I talk to my doctor in 2 weeks...lol. But for now, I'll be boiling some crab legs for my weekly dose of seafood. Apparently I can't eat anything that's been in the water because of the mercury content, so we look forward to this!!
This is Flyy Preggo...OUT!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
The Journey Begins...
It was April 20th, 2010. I was at work, dealing with the normal duties required of me on the job: answering phones for clients who are mad at me because their car notes are late. I digress...lol. This day, I was totally preoccupied because I'm 5 days late on my period, and for some reason I decide to take a pregnancy test on my lunch break. Needless to say, I flipped when I read the positive results! I called out for the rest of the day(and even took the next 2 days off), then called my girls to try to figure all this out. Over the next few hours of this day, I told my boyfriend, my mom, and my brother the news. The boo was extremely calm and supportive--as usual. My mom is so excited about being a grandmother and my brother is shocked, but happy. I have all of these people around me who are supportive and can't wait to meet JR...yet, honestly I'm thinking selfishly of other things....
I'm only 24...I work a FT job with great benefits and excellent pay. Every paycheck I'm spending my money on the latest fashions at Forever21(or XXI, lol)....I hit up ALDO every other week for a new fierce pump, strappy sandal, or bodacious bag(I like 'em big). I love to hang out at the hottest bars in Charlotte, NC and eat at the best restaurants in town. I like to travel, had even planned a trip to NY for the first time in life...and then this happened. I mean, I'm certainly not living the life of the Rich and Famous, more like the Upper Middle Class and Popular. Nonetheless, I loved the fact that I have freedom to roam wherever I please and splurge on what I want. They say babies change things though... "You have to think of someone else before yourself"; "babies cost an estimated $10,000 in their first year---of life!"; "infants require so much attention"...blahblahblah. I knew all of this and even watch some live horror stories of my friends who do have kids and have to deal with jerks---aka trifling baby daddies. At this point,my head is swimming with all kinds of things like...how will i keep up my cute appearance when I'm gaining weight at a consistent rate? How will my feet fit in my new strappy's I just bought? Will I even get to see my feet? The attention craver in me even wonders if I'll still be able to turn heads...hey, everyone has a baby Narcissus inside them:) Luckily, the bulk of my superficial worries have subsided. These concerns take me back to when I first found out about JR. and I was only 3.5 weeks....
But now, I'm 10 weeks and have a totally different outlook on life. My boyfriend and I are excited and I think we'll make great parents. My family is supportive. My sorority sisters are always down and I know will always be there for me. I still have that job that will support my new family, and so does the boo. I'm looking forward to a new life and can't wait to meet the baby in December 2010. I naturally worry about everything in life, so I still have some nagging thoughts about money, how to hold the chap, and if breastfeeding is really as bad as every new mother says. I'm hoping that this new experience is going to teach me a thing or two about myself...we'll see, huh?
I was advised to start this blog because writing is therapeutic. I'm happy to get back to doing what I love...this should be fun. So I'll be back with other random and stories as they come to me, even if no one listens, lol...
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT...
I'm only 24...I work a FT job with great benefits and excellent pay. Every paycheck I'm spending my money on the latest fashions at Forever21(or XXI, lol)....I hit up ALDO every other week for a new fierce pump, strappy sandal, or bodacious bag(I like 'em big). I love to hang out at the hottest bars in Charlotte, NC and eat at the best restaurants in town. I like to travel, had even planned a trip to NY for the first time in life...and then this happened. I mean, I'm certainly not living the life of the Rich and Famous, more like the Upper Middle Class and Popular. Nonetheless, I loved the fact that I have freedom to roam wherever I please and splurge on what I want. They say babies change things though... "You have to think of someone else before yourself"; "babies cost an estimated $10,000 in their first year---of life!"; "infants require so much attention"...blahblahblah. I knew all of this and even watch some live horror stories of my friends who do have kids and have to deal with jerks---aka trifling baby daddies. At this point,my head is swimming with all kinds of things like...how will i keep up my cute appearance when I'm gaining weight at a consistent rate? How will my feet fit in my new strappy's I just bought? Will I even get to see my feet? The attention craver in me even wonders if I'll still be able to turn heads...hey, everyone has a baby Narcissus inside them:) Luckily, the bulk of my superficial worries have subsided. These concerns take me back to when I first found out about JR. and I was only 3.5 weeks....
But now, I'm 10 weeks and have a totally different outlook on life. My boyfriend and I are excited and I think we'll make great parents. My family is supportive. My sorority sisters are always down and I know will always be there for me. I still have that job that will support my new family, and so does the boo. I'm looking forward to a new life and can't wait to meet the baby in December 2010. I naturally worry about everything in life, so I still have some nagging thoughts about money, how to hold the chap, and if breastfeeding is really as bad as every new mother says. I'm hoping that this new experience is going to teach me a thing or two about myself...we'll see, huh?
I was advised to start this blog because writing is therapeutic. I'm happy to get back to doing what I love...this should be fun. So I'll be back with other random and stories as they come to me, even if no one listens, lol...
This is Flyy Preggo, OUT...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
